peace prevails

peace prevails
Originally uploaded by Frames-of-Mind

I'm gonna stop blogging for a while. Not sure if it'll be 2 months or 2 days. But don't worry about me - I'll be OK. And I'm switching my email comment notifications off for a while, so if you ask something and I don't answer, I'm not ignoring you.

Happiness to all.

Still got issues...

So I had a speed wobble 2 weeks ago. Yes, probably the liver detox contributed - it was pretty hardcore and no doubt flushed all residual meds right out of my system. And likely the med jolt sent me on a little high with the accompanying dose of foot-in-mouth disease. And then, in a radically down state, I suddenly perceived that certain persons had crossed my line in the sand, and I totally flipped. Yeah, us unstable folk do that kind of thing remember... (see here)

But now that those little factors are out the way, let me get to the root of the matter. It's been a blindspot of mine for a long time, partly because I've had to hide it so well.

I first noticed it when I went back thru some of my old blog posts this past week, and saw that the most "critical" comments I have ever garnered have always been in response to my posts on apophenia. WHY?

And then I got to realising that, in fact, I'm different from just about every BiPolar out there - even the BiPolar Type Ones. (who, in my opinion are the only ones whose diagnosis is 100% fool-proof, unlike plenty of Type 2's whose diagnosis in MHO is often dubious).

In fact, depending on how you define these things - i have NEVER actually COMPLETELY recovered from my intial pyschosis attack when I was 19. here it comes folks:

I STILL SUFFER FROM DELUSIONS OF GRANDEUR ( I even changed the byline of this blog so that nobody gets it wrong in future.)

Yep, even after 6 sessions of shock treatment, 3 hospitalisations, and probably half a ton of anti-psychotic drugs - I STILL believe that the things I have experienced in the "psychotic" episodes of my life were powerfully mystical/supernatural/superhuman and maybe even, wait for it... of extreme importance to mankind.

And that I, BeePeeGee, was chosen/selected/clever-enough/gifted-enough to SEE these things.

That belief of mine has NEVER left me. It resides at the very core of my being. Sure, I know not to share this fact with my pDoc, work colleagues, or hardcore scientific types. Come to think of it, I hardly share it with anybody.

And clinging on to these preposterous beliefs is what makes me different to just about every other psychosis or mania survivor I know. (as I already said, it probably also qualifies me as suffering from an underling ongoing permanent form of psychosis). WillBeFine, describing his own manic experiences, put it best some time ago in a comment on a previous post (on apophenia it so happens):

Each time I have been manic I revisit the ideas I had thought I had forgotton. Return to the coincidences that never happened.

"Return to the coincidences that never happened" (aka Apophenia). Yeah, that really is the pivot point at which PDocs, family and society in general can say that you have now "recovered"; that the psychosis has finally subsided. When you can say: "I can see now what a fool I was, all those connections I thought I saw - it was my mind playing tricks on me - Apophenia."

Well I got news for you guys - my coincidences DID happen. And they weren't random, they had profound meaning. And, yes, I'm the one guy in the universe who has been blessed with the ability to see them.

And that's why my ramblings about apophenia and the profound coincidences that have touched my life get people's backs up. Because it is:

Self - agrandizing
Melagomaniacal
Narcicistic to the extreme
Insanely Egocentric
Radically preposterous

aka: Mental Masturbation - getting off on your own perceived importance and power.

Yep, that's me - consider me out of the closet now:
Navel Gazer Numero Uno.

But please remember that I didn't ask you to gaze at my navel with me. If what I say agrieves you, rather go and gaze at somebody else's navel.