Lets play a lil' game...

So far I've spent this year (the 2008 one) deep in the doldrums. No energy; nothing interesting in the world; everything bland. So its time to dig deep into the bottom draw and drag out the last-stop remedy. It's a little game I play called: "If I won the Lotto..."

If I won the Lotto:

• The whole NZ dilemma would no longer be such a dilemma. I'd keep my house here, plus buy a little one there and jet-set between the 2 as the will took me. I'm talking about a 2 mil dollars (US) win here (14 mil in SA Rands) not a 20 mil landfall. If it was 20 mil, I'd by 10 houses all on different continents.
  
  
  
• I'd start some serious travelling, one of my greatest loves in life but one which I haven't done for about 8 years. First up I'd take Miss L and Mrs M to NZ in the first school holidays. Yeah, we've never been there even tho we're probably gonna end up living there for 40 years. I'd also hit Tokyo this year, a place I've got this burning passion to visit. Moscow, Vancouver and Sydney would also be on the cards. Plus a 2 week trip to the Kruger National Park, at the other end of South Africa.
  
  
• I'd buy 3 laptops, one each for my sister, one for Mrs M's parents and one for BPG so he could control his biz from airports around the world.
  
  
• Come to think of it, I'd sell my biz. If I couldn't find a buyer, I'd just put a great big "GONE FISHING" over the front page, and the pleasure in that would probably be worth the sale price. Then I'd devote the rest of my days to creative pursuits. I'd completely revamp and extend my concrete poetry website. I'd learn Swift 3d, plug it into Macromadia Flash and make all my word art 3d - so much more concrete. I'd write my second book. I'd spend way more time on photography and photoshop art.
  
  
• I'd buy 3 of the biggest HDTV Lcd's that money could buy. One for my Dad, one for my lounge and one for my desktop cmptr, so that I had miles of digital real estate to do all my art on. Plus I'd buy one of the high-end graphic design tablets, so you could sketch straight on the screen.
  
  
• I'd get shot of my old 1984 rust-bucket Mercedes and get Mrs M a new car. Nothing fancy, just a little Honda Jazz or something. Then I'd take her old car over. (Mrs M and I believe that big shmancy cars are wayyy over-rated.). If the money extended far enough I'd buy a BMW 1100 Enduro motorbike too, so that when really down moods came along I could jump on it, go whizzing through the mountain roads and hopefully "blast the blues" outta the way.
  
  
• I'd get that Herman Miller Aeron Office Chair that I've been hankering after. 10 grand but WELL worth it if you spend a lot of time on yr cmptr and have neck problems as I do. Probably save a heck of a lot of money on Physiotherapist bills. But actually I'd keep the physio sessions going, cos I love them so much. The whole family (including both sets of parents would have an hour physio a week). Actually the Herman Miller is going to get purchased in the next 18 months anyway, it's just a matter of upping my profits a bit and convincing Mrs M.
  
  
• The rest (hopefully there'd be a rest) I'd invest offshore. Certainly not in South African Rands, which I personally think have a VERY shaky future. And I'd put a small speculative investment into a regional "India" fund as I reckon they're gonna be the future powerhouse of the world economy. Everyone else thinks China, but just wait 'til a billion Indian mathematic and cmptr genuises get going...
  
  

Ahh... I'm feeling a little bit better already. Yeah, I know its selfish and materlialistic, and I still go along with what the Buddha said about "all life been suffering", but there's no doubt that bucket-loadsa cash can take some of the sting out of the suffering.

So if any of you dudes out there are suffering from post-Christmas, anti-climatic, plain ol' depression, Id highly recommend playing this little game. It's often rescued BeePeeGee.

PS: WBF - thanks for enlightening me on the French philisophers demise, I'll take it that I can safely presume he was not BiPolar.

Jogging

I'm getting addicted to the jogging I started about 2 months ago. It's slowly becoming the highlight of my day.

I listened to a podcast on depression recently and this psychiatrist was saying how everybody thinks that there are 2 principle methods to treat major depression: Medication and Therapy. Well actually, he said, there is a third: EXERCISE.

The reason we don't hear about the third is that, being the cheapest option, there are no huge corporate agendas out there promoting it. I mean, all you need is a pair of 100 buck running shoes (about one session's worth of therapy, or one month's worth of meds). As my therapist Dr C said about 3 years back: "Exercise is psychiatry's best kept secret".

Funny thing is, about 6 years ago when I used to jog early in the mornings on Durban beachfront, I'd often see my psychiatrist pounding the pavement in running shorts and shoes. A confirmed "insider". I'd greet him, and he'd mumble something back but it was evident that he was totally consumed in his run, lapping up all the pulsating endorphines.

Yeah, it makes sense. Looking back on my life there have been good years and bad years. And the one glaring common denominator of the all the good years is that those were the years when I was fit and doing regular aerobic exercise.

But this is all theory and analysis. The most real and tangible part is how I feel everyday when my heart is pounding, my chest is pumping and coated in beads of sweat and the cool morning air is brushing my face. And the warm afterglow and tingle when I'm done. You'd better watch
out Mr Depression, I'm eating away at you every day!

Tip: Start really slowly and only 5 minutes a day. So slowly that you actually try and see how slowly you can go without disqualifying it as a "jog". After a few weeks build up to about 20 minutes a day. ANYBODY can do it! And don't give me that bullshit that you can't afford 5 minutes a day - those 5 minutes could be the most important 5 minutes of you BiPolar life.

Powered by Music

Said it before, and I'll say it again: music is a godsend for depression.

Just think of all the cool concerts you went to in your life. What made them cool? What was at the centre of them? What were they all about?
Answer: They were about the emotions. The euphoria. The mood. Yep, music is a direct connection to the emotions. More so than anything else I can think of.

I'm learning more and more that the one really beneficial thing that I can do when I'm down is listen to music. For starters it is effortless. Totally. But even though it is effortless there is a sense that you are participating rather than being totally detached. And any loneliness you might be feeling is eased a little, as you are no longer alone, you are accompanied by voices.

And there is such a range at your disposal.  The eskimos have thirty different words to describe snow. Why ? Cos they spend so much friggin time in it. Well when  you spend as much time as I do in a depressed state you'll also know that there are a myriad of different types of depression. And I guarantee that for every one, somewhere in your music collection there is one album, one track, that will make you a feel a little better for listening to it.

Cause & Effect

I've been keeping a timer in my garden office to track how long I actually work each day. I do it on a little excel spreadsheet I created, which charts each weeks totals. (I would highly recommend this, by the way, to people who work from home. It adds some structure and organisation to your life. And scares you shitless as to how little work you DO do).

Anyway, I was looking over the past few weeks at my moods as recorded here on BiPolar Daily and noticed an incredibly accurate correlation between the amount of work I put in each week and my mood states. "Pretty-Shitty" week - very low productivity. "In-the-Pink" week - plenty work hours put in.

The obvious deduction from this is that when you're down, work is just too difficult to tackle (as I've said so many times before). IE. Down Moods are a CAUSE of low productivity.

But then I got to thinking and the alternate possibility snuck into my vision: Maybe, on the weeks that I don't work too hard, I am so wracked with guilt and failure, that it leads to down moods. To be sure it is a 2-way street, but  I'm telling you, not  working does NOT make you feel good. So it's a downward spiral: down mood -> low productivity -> down mood -> low productivity -> down mood.... you get the picture.

So how can we stop the spiral? Which part of the equation can we change? Not the mood part - we're BiPolar remember and the chemicals in our heads are beyond our control. Which leaves the work part. I'm seeing this more and more - push yourself to do a little work when you're down and the spiral turns. Do work -> feel better -> do more work -> feel more better etc. etc.

The proof is in the hamburger. I worked real hard yesterday and today I'm in the zone.

Building Routine

I've said it before and I'll say it again: Routine is a MEGA advantage for BiPolars. ESPECIALLY if you don't work a 9 to 5 job like BPG doesn't.

It's a no-brainer when you think about it. Us BiPolars are all over the place from week to week, day to day, hey, sometimes even hour to hour. Ships drifting on rollicking seas without any anchors. So the way I see it, each time you establish a daily routine item (no matter how small) you are throwing out a little anchor. Call it what you like - a familiar point, a handhold on a cliff, a buoy, a flashing beacon.

Probably the best thing I've done for myself this year is establish some daily routine items. So I thought I'd share how I went about it. Not that I'm a Dr. Phil or anything but shit it worked for me.

STEP BY STEP

1. Start off with a little (and easy) thing you want to do every day. If you can set the same time for it every day, well & good, but it's not critical. At present I try do most of my routines the same time, but it's not always possible so I allow fleixiblity providing I stick to the golden rule: DO IT EVERY DAY
2. Like anything, it's the first couple days that are the hardest. But it gets easier and easier as time goes by. Here's why: The longer you keep up your unbroken routine the more sacred it becomes. It's easier to break a routine that's been going for 4 days than one which has been going every day for 4 years. Ever met one of those people that have done something (e.g. walk the dogs, take a morning swim, go to the same coffee shop) every day for 5 or 6 years. I gaurantee ya they'll carry on doing it EVERY darn day unless they're practically comatose. And that acheivement will be one of the proudest in their lives (which is why they probably told you about it in the first place).
3. Once you've got your first little routine item going, i.e. after about 2 months, you can then add another routine item. The second should be a lot easier. But whatever you do don't sabotage the first item if the second one fails. Sometimes our ambitions outstrip practicalities (especially if you came up with the routine idea in a "YeeeHaaa" state), and after a couple days you realise: "My fck, I'm NEVER gonna keep up with this dumb-arse shite". Well that's OK. Drop it, but don't EVER, EVER drop the other ones you have established at the same time. Keep what ya got!

Here's the current routine items I'm doing:

• Get out of bed between 5.00 and 5h30 in the morning and make tea for Mrs M and self.
• Feed the zoo (Socrates, Scallywag and Leroy the cat).
• Meditate. The above 2 I've been doing for about 5 years now but they're no great orgasm - I mean you gotta get out of bed and the pets gotta get fed. The really big VOLUNTARY routine that I established this year was daily meditation. And yes, I haven't skipped a day in 3 months. I try meditate at the same time every day, ideally about 6.15 am, but I'm not a militant about it. The focus, as I've said, is the DOING it on the day, not WHEN on that day.
• Based on my success with daily meditation I started doing a walk on the beach every day too. So far I've gone uninteruppted for 10 days. The beachwalk is a bit more complicated as there are weather conditions thrown in, but I've already had 2 days in the rain and once I've got the new rain pants I'm planning I reckon I'll keep it up. The best time I like beach walking is at about 10 am but I'm also governed by the tides because the beach is much flatter and harder at low tide. (NB: I must add a proviso here - this routine is still young and I haven't had a "Got-a-Gun" day since it started. The acid test will be "Got-a-Gun" on a rainy day. Acid rain?)
• I'm planning on throwing another little routine in from next week: 30 sit-ups a day. I reckon I can do it.

So there you go. Get off your goddam arses and build your routines.

Easing the Depression

I was gonna title this post "Fighting Depression", but somehow that didn't gel because when we're depressed the last thing we're capable of doing is fighting.

A lot of my BiPolar buddies out there seem to be experiencing downs right now, which prompted this post. There must be something in the air. I would say it was a seasonal thing but as some of us are closer to the North Pole and others the South Pole (BiPolar get it?) it can't be purely related to winter blues. What I do think it is related to is that right now we are in a transitional season (Northern or Southern Hemisphere), and us BiPOlars aren't good at coping with transitions (we've got enough going on in our heads!).

Anyhow here are some things to ease the depression that work for me:

• Take a shower (bathing I've found is better for mania)
• Listen to music that you feel in the mood for (and it doesn't neccesarily need to be up-beat music, sometimes sharing your pain with a tormented singer is cool)
• I find meditating is one of the few things I can still do when I'm down. Just sitting and focusing on feeling your body and its aliveness rather than thinking (actually, I find meditation extremely difficult on the manic side of things)
• Banish all guilt. Guilt makes the depression 10 times worse. This is an unchosen condition remember, no fault of our own. Would you feel guilty about having Diabetes?
• Have pity for those suffering from UniPolar Depression, at least we've got 2 poles and it's a damn certainty we'll be back at the other pole soon.
• Avoid alcohol - nothing worse than a hangover coupled with depression. Real "Got-a-Gun" stuff. Personally I 've canned drinking altogether - one of the best things I ever did.
• Sit down and work out exactly how you would spend your money if (and when) you won the Lotto (an old favourite)
• If you need a short term lift, just to get a little breather, eat a chocolate (but not too many)
• If none of the above works - get into bed and go to sleep, even if it's for 24 hours. The dreamworld is sometimes better. Take your phones off the hook. Fuck the world. Put it down to Sick Leave.
• Love your pets

And whilst I'm on pets here a few pics that I hope make you happy (my 2 doglets):

• 

LATER...

Some more:

• Tidy somewhere, anywhere. Tidying my environment tends to tidy my head
• Brush you hair, do yourself up (whatever your preferences are) and put some of your favourite clothes on.
• TAKE YOUR MEDS! At all costs
• Chop your goals up into a half hour at a time. And don't make ANY long-term decisions. (they'll be wrong)
• Tell your loved ones that you're in a bad zone, and you're gonna be fairly disabled until it blows over
• Drink a Coke
• Sit in the sun

The Only Thing Helping

It's been a bad week. The only thing helping at the moment is my daily meditation. It's the one small piece of discipline in my life. Every morning, straight after Miss L leaves, I head down to the outside room and sit cross-legged for 20 minutes of being mindfull.

Not only the fact of "keeping the appointment" is an act of discipline, but the activity itself is a concentrated effort of disciplining the mind. Keeping it from straying.

And it's starting to spill over into the rest of my life now. De-linking from your fears of the future and regrets of the past and just living in the the moment, the unchanging NOW. Enjoying the simple things. Feeling the water on your skin when you wash the dishes. Being aware of the subtle vibration of the steering wheel when you drive the car.

Buddhists say that rigorous daily meditation is neccessary to "de-program" the mind from it's bad habits. That once the mind is pure you will be able to see "things as they really are". That reality will reflect truthfully into the pure, polished surface of the mind.

I don't consider myself buddhist (although I admire their philosophy). But perhaps the depression that I've been groping through this last week is a direct result of - for the first time in a long while - seeing things "as they actually are". Seeing that my business is not going to bring in sufficient income. Seeing that my debt is out of all proportion. Seeing that my physical health needs a big shake-up. Seeing that things at the moment are generally not working out.

And if a week or two of depression is neccessary to process and digest the real truth, then I guess that it's a small price to pay. It just hurts like hell while you're going through it. Like the dentist I suppose - take an hour's pain now and avoid a month's pain further down the line. If I could only keep sight of this during the really bad moments...

A Meditation on Meditation

Firstly I must tell you that I STILL can't get into any site on Blogger or
Blogspot. Could be a cable under the Atlantic that's got blocked, but what's
really strange is I'm still getting into every other site on the planet.
Maybe Blogger has blacklisted me due to my derogatory comments last year
about Google?

So I gotta send this post by email again. It's my last lifeline to BiPOlar
Daily. And guys, if you haven't seen any of my comments on your blogs for a
while it's not because I don't love you - it's because I can't get there to
post a comment.

***

One of my New Year's aspirations was to restart meditation. And so far I've
kept it up. In 2003 I used to meditated every day for the full year. Mrs M
and I went on a 10 day silent retreat with a world renowned meditation
master, and we shot up the meditation learning curve. Actually "learning"
curve would be frowned upon by real McCoy meditators as it's actually a
"doing" curve, as in, you can't learn meditation - you gotta do it.

At that time I was doing it with some grandiose notion that I may reach
enlightenment. I hadn't been officially diagnosed with BipOlar yet. But now
I'm doing it largely as a therapy for BiPolar. One possible definition of
BiPolar is that we get carried away by our moods. Considering that
meditation teaches you to NOT get carried away by any thoughts or moods, I
figure that kind of skill can only improve my lot (IMPROVE, not cure).

I'm up to 20 minutes a sitting, and believe me, not to get carried away by
thoughts is the hardest thing in the world. The goal is to be aware of what
you are thinking about as you are thinking about it. So you focus on one
thing, like your breathing, and try keep your mind there without it being
dragged off by errant thoughtlings. Lately I've switched my centre of focus
to my sound sense. When I sit in a really quiet, still place, I can detect a
high-pitched ring in my ears. This is what I try focus on.

I've managed to narrow the time that it takes me to realise that my mind has
drifted away from the support, and I have no problem with letting the
thoughtling go once I've detected it, and returning to the support, but for
the life of me I cannot pinpoint the exact point where the thoughtling
hi-jacks my mind. It sneaks up like a thief at night, carries you away, and
only after a lapse of time (which, as I said, I am shortening) are you aware
that you've drifted off topic.

The meditation was going well up until I went up to Johannesburg. Up there I
didn't get the slightest sniff of a chance to meditate. (not something you
tend to do in the middle of a kidnapping). Since then the meditation
sessions have regressed significantly. Which tells me that although my
surface mind (the place we spend 90% of our waking hours) is seeming to be
handling the situation - there is huge turmoil in the Deep Mind. Gonna have
to work thru it.

Miss L started her new school yesterday. We've gotten her into a Waldorf
school which we're happy about. The reasons for choosing a Waldorf school
are complex and need to form the subject matter of another post. The main
thing though, is that Miss L is settling back into a routine and doing
exceptionally well. Kids have the ability to bounce back so much better than
us past-their-prime dudes.

***

Feeling pretty shitty today. Had terrible nightmares last night and didn't
get a good sleep. I might be sounding fairly upbeat in this post, but that's
because posting is one of the small highlights of the day. Not much else is
gonna be happening today, I can assure you.

CURRENT MOOD: PRETTY SHITTY (and, no, the smiley won't show as I'm sending
this via email)

Flexible Working Hours

Thank the Gods that the Internet came along. I have finally accepted that I am totally unemployable in a 9 to 5 job. Or, for that matter, in my own business that requires pre-planned appointments. So that is why I run my websites. They suit the BiPolar temperament perfectly. A spurt of hyper-mania and you can work creatively and flat out for 4 or 5 days (and nights) . A 3 day slump and you can just crash out, without the wheels falling off your business.

The funny thing is that in the long run it kind of balances out. As any BiPolar will know - when you're up you can work twice as hard and creatively as any non-BiPolar. When you're down you can't work at all. (Try telling that to your boss!) So I am just very thankful for this World Wide Wonderland. If I'd had to toil in a meaningless 9 t0 5er the rest of my life, I'm afraid "Got-a-Gun" would have found one.

In case you're wondering, my website that is linked to this blog, www.theWORDproject.com , is NOT the one that pays the bills. The ones that pay the bills are an entirely conservative affair that I daren't link this blog, lest my small-minded conservative audience succumb to their latent BiPolar prejudices and dismiss my commercial sites as dodgy.

Today is one of the can't-work days - but I will be back soon, in full hi-energy force. Watch this space!