A Meditation on Meditation

Firstly I must tell you that I STILL can't get into any site on Blogger or
Blogspot. Could be a cable under the Atlantic that's got blocked, but what's
really strange is I'm still getting into every other site on the planet.
Maybe Blogger has blacklisted me due to my derogatory comments last year
about Google?

So I gotta send this post by email again. It's my last lifeline to BiPOlar
Daily. And guys, if you haven't seen any of my comments on your blogs for a
while it's not because I don't love you - it's because I can't get there to
post a comment.

***

One of my New Year's aspirations was to restart meditation. And so far I've
kept it up. In 2003 I used to meditated every day for the full year. Mrs M
and I went on a 10 day silent retreat with a world renowned meditation
master, and we shot up the meditation learning curve. Actually "learning"
curve would be frowned upon by real McCoy meditators as it's actually a
"doing" curve, as in, you can't learn meditation - you gotta do it.

At that time I was doing it with some grandiose notion that I may reach
enlightenment. I hadn't been officially diagnosed with BipOlar yet. But now
I'm doing it largely as a therapy for BiPolar. One possible definition of
BiPolar is that we get carried away by our moods. Considering that
meditation teaches you to NOT get carried away by any thoughts or moods, I
figure that kind of skill can only improve my lot (IMPROVE, not cure).

I'm up to 20 minutes a sitting, and believe me, not to get carried away by
thoughts is the hardest thing in the world. The goal is to be aware of what
you are thinking about as you are thinking about it. So you focus on one
thing, like your breathing, and try keep your mind there without it being
dragged off by errant thoughtlings. Lately I've switched my centre of focus
to my sound sense. When I sit in a really quiet, still place, I can detect a
high-pitched ring in my ears. This is what I try focus on.

I've managed to narrow the time that it takes me to realise that my mind has
drifted away from the support, and I have no problem with letting the
thoughtling go once I've detected it, and returning to the support, but for
the life of me I cannot pinpoint the exact point where the thoughtling
hi-jacks my mind. It sneaks up like a thief at night, carries you away, and
only after a lapse of time (which, as I said, I am shortening) are you aware
that you've drifted off topic.

The meditation was going well up until I went up to Johannesburg. Up there I
didn't get the slightest sniff of a chance to meditate. (not something you
tend to do in the middle of a kidnapping). Since then the meditation
sessions have regressed significantly. Which tells me that although my
surface mind (the place we spend 90% of our waking hours) is seeming to be
handling the situation - there is huge turmoil in the Deep Mind. Gonna have
to work thru it.

Miss L started her new school yesterday. We've gotten her into a Waldorf
school which we're happy about. The reasons for choosing a Waldorf school
are complex and need to form the subject matter of another post. The main
thing though, is that Miss L is settling back into a routine and doing
exceptionally well. Kids have the ability to bounce back so much better than
us past-their-prime dudes.

***

Feeling pretty shitty today. Had terrible nightmares last night and didn't
get a good sleep. I might be sounding fairly upbeat in this post, but that's
because posting is one of the small highlights of the day. Not much else is
gonna be happening today, I can assure you.

CURRENT MOOD: PRETTY SHITTY (and, no, the smiley won't show as I'm sending
this via email)