Tuesday, February 14, 2006

A Meditation on Meditation

Firstly I must tell you that I STILL can't get into any site on Blogger or
Blogspot. Could be a cable under the Atlantic that's got blocked, but what's
really strange is I'm still getting into every other site on the planet.
Maybe Blogger has blacklisted me due to my derogatory comments last year
about Google?

So I gotta send this post by email again. It's my last lifeline to BiPOlar
Daily. And guys, if you haven't seen any of my comments on your blogs for a
while it's not because I don't love you - it's because I can't get there to
post a comment.

***

One of my New Year's aspirations was to restart meditation. And so far I've
kept it up. In 2003 I used to meditated every day for the full year. Mrs M
and I went on a 10 day silent retreat with a world renowned meditation
master, and we shot up the meditation learning curve. Actually "learning"
curve would be frowned upon by real McCoy meditators as it's actually a
"doing" curve, as in, you can't learn meditation - you gotta do it.

At that time I was doing it with some grandiose notion that I may reach
enlightenment. I hadn't been officially diagnosed with BipOlar yet. But now
I'm doing it largely as a therapy for BiPolar. One possible definition of
BiPolar is that we get carried away by our moods. Considering that
meditation teaches you to NOT get carried away by any thoughts or moods, I
figure that kind of skill can only improve my lot (IMPROVE, not cure).

I'm up to 20 minutes a sitting, and believe me, not to get carried away by
thoughts is the hardest thing in the world. The goal is to be aware of what
you are thinking about as you are thinking about it. So you focus on one
thing, like your breathing, and try keep your mind there without it being
dragged off by errant thoughtlings. Lately I've switched my centre of focus
to my sound sense. When I sit in a really quiet, still place, I can detect a
high-pitched ring in my ears. This is what I try focus on.

I've managed to narrow the time that it takes me to realise that my mind has
drifted away from the support, and I have no problem with letting the
thoughtling go once I've detected it, and returning to the support, but for
the life of me I cannot pinpoint the exact point where the thoughtling
hi-jacks my mind. It sneaks up like a thief at night, carries you away, and
only after a lapse of time (which, as I said, I am shortening) are you aware
that you've drifted off topic.

The meditation was going well up until I went up to Johannesburg. Up there I
didn't get the slightest sniff of a chance to meditate. (not something you
tend to do in the middle of a kidnapping). Since then the meditation
sessions have regressed significantly. Which tells me that although my
surface mind (the place we spend 90% of our waking hours) is seeming to be
handling the situation - there is huge turmoil in the Deep Mind. Gonna have
to work thru it.

Miss L started her new school yesterday. We've gotten her into a Waldorf
school which we're happy about. The reasons for choosing a Waldorf school
are complex and need to form the subject matter of another post. The main
thing though, is that Miss L is settling back into a routine and doing
exceptionally well. Kids have the ability to bounce back so much better than
us past-their-prime dudes.

***

Feeling pretty shitty today. Had terrible nightmares last night and didn't
get a good sleep. I might be sounding fairly upbeat in this post, but that's
because posting is one of the small highlights of the day. Not much else is
gonna be happening today, I can assure you.

CURRENT MOOD: PRETTY SHITTY (and, no, the smiley won't show as I'm sending
this via email)

10 comments:

  1. Sorry you had a bad day, and my day is just starting, isn't that weird how that works:) I'm with some anxiety this morning, because my daughter with bipolar is now in the hospital and she'll be home Wednesday. I'm not ready for her to be home, isn't that sad! I had to strip her room until she has only a materess and her dressers without her cloths, because she had sharp objects hidden everywhere to cut herself. I threw away all her cd's she downloaded from the computer, and I cleaned out the computer, so all the bad stuff is off, and no more internet. Now she knows all this being in the hospital, but how she'll react when she's home? OH BOY! We'll probably wake you up!;) Now we found out that she has boarder line personality disorder with her bipolar, so she's dealing with two things now, and that sucks. I saw that post with your daughter, and she's a pretty girl, and I know from experiance, because I have a girl(being a mom), that it's hard when I notice boys (especially men) noticing my girls outer beauty, and you being a dad, it's going to be harder. I hope when I go to sleep and you wake up, you'll have a better day. I'll have you and your family in my prayers. Take care, Elisa

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  2. Im sorry things are crappy at the moment, I wanted to come by and tell you happy love day..... so maybe just send some wishes for things to get better soon...

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  3. Dear BiPolar Guy,
    Wow! This is a post I'll have to come back to when the motor calms a bit, because its information about meditation is great but its a little hard for me to slow down right now. It just seems so super geek to admit the kind of high that this blogging can be and I don't want to give it up, just slow it down and I feel that it will eventually be just fine.
    I am sorry that your mood is currently shitty, but I feel privileged that you share. Because you say what you mean and are always honest makes you my hero (a word that I don't mean to overuse). I am a greenieblogger, but you set the bar for me in this way.
    Sincerely,
    Tart

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  4. I'm sorry your having such a shitty day. I hope it improves as it moves along.

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  5. You know I am just impressed that you can meditate at all. When I am hypomanic - which has been alot lately I cant even focus on a 30 minute television program and the ringing noise ??? I hear that all the time!!! its loud and annoying as all get out. I'm currently trying to figure out if its a) tinnitus, b) electricity c) an audial hallucination . anyway continue on with the meditation- very impressive

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  6. Better days will come. If you want to email me-that's cool. You've got the address.

    As for the loud-ringing...I have that too! Even if I'm NOT meditating.

    When I lay down at night to sleep and all is silent, I SWEAR that I hear a radio playing faintly in the background.

    Auditory hallucinations?

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  7. I'm sorry you aren't feeling well, that totally sucks. I'm not on blogger, so we can still visit each other. :)
    I hope your spirits are up a little soon.

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  8. I've had tinnitis for years now. I went to see a doctor about it when I was back in Canada last year. I explained that I have a ringing in my right ear, and it's at a high pitch so I have difficulty hearing quiet speech or whispers in that ear. They decided to test my hearing. I paid forty dollars to discover that I have significant hearing loss in the high registers in my right ear! Some surprise. No, it has nothing to do with the subcutaneous cyst right behind that ear. Is there some sort of connection between bipolar and ringing in te ears? I'd like to know, because just before I was first diagnosed I was expriencing audial hallucinations as well. Enough about my problems, though. Here's hoping you get back on your blog and in the pink sooner rather than later.

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  9. Wow- thought I had problems. Sucks to be you! Wish there was something I could say to make you feel better. You have so many amazing qualities- maybe stop being so hypersensistive to how you feel and try to focus on your positive aspects (armchair psychology at it's best/worst). I really do hope that things get better for you. You sound like a real doll.

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  10. Hi Bipolar Guy,
    I hope you'll get the Blogger problem figured out.
    I was doing 20 minute meditation as well. I think it is helpful but I am having difficulty fitting it into my day as well. Do you sit while you are meditating? I found that position uncomfortable but when I actually lasted the 20 minutes, I felt great. It is great for focussing the mind. I have to start back on it.
    Good to hear that Miss L. is doing well.

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