Today's Therapy

It went well at therapy today. I first saw Dr. C in 2002. Found him in a phonebook, but he's panned out quite well. My initial "series" was once a week for about 3 months. Then I saw him again for about 2 months at the end of last year.

I reckon I'll see him again for the next 2 months, give or take. It's working well with this seeing him at yearly intervals. Kinda puts a wider (and wiSer) perspective on things. And for BiPolars, who are about as rooted as paper kites in Katrina, perspective is a highly valuable commodity.

Dr C is a pretty straight down the line therapist. Claims he's got an "eclectic" approach, but there are plenty books on Freud lining his shelves. But I like his style. He doesn't come with advice/recommendations/prescriptive behaviours. He simply opens up a space in which I talk, I figure things out and piece in the missing pieces. Come to think about it, I'm actually doing the therapy. So why the heck pay the dude? Because you gotta have a listener! And the listener can't be a close friend or family memeber, they're too close to you and often have various vested interests.

The best therapist I ever saw was back in my hometown, Durban. He took the passive aproach to it's zen(nith). I used to arrive at his room, sit down and he would just sit looking at me. Not a fcking word, even once when I tried to "outsit" him for 10 minutes. Eventually you're forced to fill the silence. And somehow that gaping hole evokes the right stuff to talk about. He had the art truly mastered.

The first therapist I saw, I had all the wrong expectations. I wanted my therapist to give me advice, impart to my ears pearls of sage wisdom, tell me where I was going right and wrong. I fired that therapist after a few months because I felt they weren't "contributing" sufficiently. Most people, I reckon, start out this way in therapy. But really - all of your answers are inside of you. Nobody else. And the good therapist is simply a facilitator that helps you find your answers within yourself. Well, that's my whole take on the thing anyway.

SO: the main thing that came out of today was : Fuck the guilt. Guilt about depression, guilt about Miss L, guilt about been anti-social, guilt, guilt, guilt. Its something I kind of knew already but just putting it across to an impartial and attentive listener kind of validates and crystalises the insight. Where does the guilt come from? In my case - societal expectations (usually subconscious). So I've come up with a little mantra of my own with which I'll end this post:

Aspiring to be normal is a lame aspiration.