Sunken
I've sunk again.
Not that I ever came out of this down, except a brief return to surface on the weekend for a quick gulp of air before rocketing back down into the depths.
I haven't had an "In-the-Pink" day for yonks. I even started thinking that maybe hoping for "In-the-Pink" days is aiming too high.
And it was one thing failing Mrs M, but now I feel like I'm failing Miss L too. As it is, L thinks I'm a dork. Thank God the wedding vows included "For better or for worse", because I've been cruising on the worse part for a long time now. I keep thinking that one day Mrs M is going to wake up and see it, see how she's ruining her life with me, and just wash her hands of it.
I was always the one who called off all the previous relationships. Man, were they lucky! They could all spend an hour with me now and they would thank their lucky stars and moons for wherever they are at now.
There's just nothing to look forward to anymore. Now I know why 20 year olds are shit scared of getting old one day. "Fly now, Pay later"? No longer even an option. "Flew then, Pay Now". That's where I'm at.
I wish I had never succeeded in my business 5 years ago. It gave me a false taste of success. A false belief that I could do anything I set my mind to. Cruel man, so fckn cruel. I'd rather be ignorant of what success can be like. Maybe then I could be happy about looking forward to 25 years ahead as a fckn accountant. Ignorance is bliss. But it's also like virginity - once it's gone, you can never get it back.
I keep saying to myself, no, reality is just looking shit at the moment because of the chemicals in my head. But deep somewhere else I know that it as at times like these that I'm seeing things as they really are. This is the truth. The rest of the time my head is just buried in it's cosy little Prozac cuccoon.
Sleep is the only escape. But every time you wake up the nightmare returns. A never-ending one.
Since having been officially diagnosed I've been trying to fly the flag for us BiPolars. "We're special" "We have dangerous gifts" "BiPolar and proud of it" "BiPolar, not Mediocre!"
It's just a load of crock. We're really fucked up, miserable, useless individuals. A burden on the world.
Not even sure I will meditate today. What the fck for???
Yeah, I'm feeling sorry for myself. Wouldn't you??
Yo BPG.
ReplyDeleteThanks for being part of the inspiration to starting my own BPD blog. The unexamined life... it hits hard when it is examined, at least that's what I'm finding.
Back in '91 I had my first manic episode (BP II) and got to vacation for a few days in the resort at Groote Schuur, CT before being flown to Sandton Clinic. I'm in Canada now and sometimes I really miss SA.
I'm not going to try to make you feel better - I know that's the last thing I would want, but your post compels me to send you a few words.
The last few days have been rough, just writing about my experiences has forced so much sh1t to the surface. Stuff that dwelled safely in dark corners of my mind and bringing it up is forcing me on a major honesty trip with myself.
Listen man, you are right and you are wrong. Damn right BPD folks have special gifts, and damn right we are a burden on the world. Deep inside you know you have something that noone can ever understand, veiled inside that manic intensity, when the wind blows around those mountains in CT and you feel completely connected to all that is. Do you think anyone can do that? Isnt that one of the reasons you enjoy meditation... the sense of connection?
Theres a price to pay for it though. Its a universal principle, nothing is for nothing. Maybe your price for the gift side of things, is the deep downs, when they come? Theres the burden part... everyone else gets dragged along for the ride, especially the ones that are close to us.
Anyway, I feel like I'm meandering. No deep dark chasm, is an endless one hey.
Feel free to take shots at me if it will make you feel better. I'm still on my Learner's with this blog thing, It might be fun :)
Enjoy the sunshine.
"It's just a load of crock. We're really fucked up, miserable, useless individuals. A burden on the world."
ReplyDeleteis a totally false statement and was obviously put out there because of your current state of mine.. we have a condition - just like someone out there may have diabetes. and it is our choice as to whether or not to live with or live as our condition. there's a big difference between the two.
most of us bp's? we've got mensa level IQs (yourself and myself included), are incredibly articulate, intelligent, creative, artistic.. but it's all about how you use those talents when faced with the difficulties of your illness.
;)
bpguy, you're a brilliant man. don't allow YOURSELF to take that away from YOURSELF.
hey bpguy
ReplyDeletethanks for popping in the other day, appreciate your comment. You might just have convinced me to change my mind.
as for being a burden on the world, i can tell you that your insights have been an inspiration to me and many other readers of your blog, all of whose thoughts are with you.
hope ya feeling on the up soon man.
hmmmmm I'm thinking the depression is talking to you and saying some ugly stuff. It does that you know. The thoughts you are writing are depressions thoughts NOT your wifes. If she hasnt said those words to you then you need to not attribute them to her but to that ugly monster called depression. Sometimes depression is not truth, it just likes to convince you that is.
ReplyDeleteSince having been officially diagnosed I've been trying to fly the flag for us BiPolars. "We're special" "We have dangerous gifts" "BiPolar and proud of it" "BiPolar, not Mediocre!"
ReplyDeleteIt's just a load of crock. We're really fucked up, miserable, useless individuals. A burden on the world. - your words.
And HOW you have flown that flag. You are the center of the bipolar ring as far as I can see it (and I don't even belong to the darn thing!), nearly everyone of us has you in our links, I know I check you first and I truly feel that I rate if you leave a comment on mine.
That just means we keep up with you and care how you are doing. It means if you feel crappy we expect you to say so.
How strange and changeable this illness is, because at this moment I know that stuff you said that is good about us really IS true, and I know the other stuff is said by a person that has just a little too much burden, commenting on all of us is silly as I may feel fine, normal all that good stuff at the moment, you feel like crap, and then we'll all switch around. So if that is the case, the truth is it all moves around, and I'll be bitchin' and you'll be flying high. Yes, the circumstances of our lives, for you - your family, finances, etc. - are the things that to an outsider seem to be bringing us down. But for really rotten days, its easy to see the bipolar in it. Its real, and you know all the things to do to take care of yourself, MensaMan. Yeah it sucks, but I just know the in the pink days will be back.
Roll with it, babe. You know this rollercoaster has ups and downs. This is the dip.
ReplyDeleteBut fuck i know how you feel.
Don't know what to say. But I want to say something all the same. ((huggs))
ReplyDelete