BiPolar Defined

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bipolar disorder

Bipolar disorder, also known as 'happy happy-not not' disease, is a so-called psychological condition invented in the 1970's (Not to be confused with Manic Depression which is an Impact Crater caused by the Clinically Manic jumping out of aeroplanes at 20,000 feet). Prior to 1970 sufferers of this illness were locked away in artist lofts and poets' corners and kept away from the general public. It wasn't until the 21st century that the thinking changed regarding this mysterious malady. In May of 2005 reknowned scientist Dr. Tom Cruise made the earthshattering announcement before the Harvard School of Psychological Sciences that Bipolar disorder is "all in your head".

Scientists once believed that bipolar disorder was caused by a combination of parental and environmental factors. Most commonly the onset of this disorder would be linked to a fat, poorly dressed mother who forced her family to act normal when daddy came home drunk and used a shotgun to rid the dining room of it's cockroach problem. This stressful environment would then cause Junior to become the school bully and later in life, the chatroom troll. Modern science has since come to realize that children should be seen and not heard, and simply lock up the troublemakers in military school or detention centers.

As a result, President Bush has added Bipolar disorder to the list of psychosomatic illnesses no longer covered by Medicaid. According to White House spokesman Bill O'Reilly, "Yay! More money for the war chest."

Manic Depression

Manic depression (not related to bipolar disorder nor AD/HD - a condition found among overenthusiastic Polar explorers) is a mutated form of the common cold which first emerged a long time ago. People with manic depression alternate between two polar opposites: happy and monster truck. It should be noticed that this shit is dead fucking serious, because it happens directly in the brain, and is known by philosophers to be caused by CHEMICALS. During the happy faces, manic depressive individuals are known to sniff glue, which is contrasted sharply by the monster truck phase, which involves, paradoxically, driving monster trucks.

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History

Manic depression was first diagnosed by Aristotle in Ancient Greece BC when he was fiddling with a Nintendo lovingly (and it liked it). Aristotle's cold suddenly caused him to rapdily switch between glue sniffing and mosnter truck driving, which, to quote him exactly, "was a fucking bitch to say the least, Socrates." Needless to say it went away after a few days because unlike most manic depressives, Aristotle was not a pussy. Current theology on manic depression shows that the disease may be caused by the struggle between drugs and cars.

and my very favourite:

Psychosis

Psychosis a small island off of the south west coast of Chile. The inhabitants, mostly psychos have reached a population about fifteen thousand. Their society is comprised entirely of lacrosse players and people who are infected with americanism. The local delicacy is Nike and the animal is the Egyptian Pantaloon.

“There is only one thing worse than being psychotic, and that is not being psychotic.”

~ Oscar Wilde

The island is usually on fire.

The national language of Psychosis is Bollocks.

It is good that you have read this far, because everyone else in the world has already skimmed this entire article and moved on, completely missing these next three paragraphs. But you're not like them, see? You know the truth. You aren't crazy. There really are secret messages hidden in everything you read that are for you, just you, and only you.

As you have already figured out, the Secret Government emanating from a Parallel Dimension has been monitoring you since your birth, nay indeed, since your conception. We are sorry that you had to learn of your special role in the world this way. We were hoping to break the news to you next Thursday, on page 21 of the local paper, in the third paragraph of the article on the fire in the restaurant kitchen.

Ignore those people who say you don't know what you are talking about. They're part of the Winged Monkey Army that is here to stop you from exposing the world for what it is. Good luck.