Monday, October 23, 2006

Depression type 2

So I've been ruminating about this "feeling" discussion I had yesterday, and can now see that what I said was not all true.
BiPolars are NOT always people who feel too much.

I say this from experience, because I often suffer from a type of depression that is the opposite of feeling too much. It's when you feel nothing at all. A total numbness. Utterly jaded. Lifeless. Like you're just cacooned in this impenetrable shell of apathy.

And I'm not sure which is the worse type depression - the one when you feel nothing or the one when you feel too much. The ones where you feel too much are more of a suicide threat for sure. The desperation can drive you to radical measures. But I'm thinking that the others are pretty terrible too. They seem to last longer, worsen with time, and are more difficult to escape from. And they're less responsive to drug treatment. Hey, maybe the anti-depressents even contribute to the feelings of numbness???

Which do you prefer?
("prefer" being a complete Oxy Moron in this instance)

12 comments:

  1. I'd have to agree with you about there being different types of depression. There is certainly the deep dark type where you don't feel anything but numb, and meds dont seem to do a thing. This is usually during the winter for me. Hopefully not this year being on 300mg lamictal. Then there is the other long term nagging depression but I don't feel the need for creating pysical pain for myself. My body does that on its own.

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  2. they all suck
    i've decided to ignore my moods...ha ha ha

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  3. I would rather feel too much than be completely numb. If I'm experiencing a lot of sadness I could transmute it into a painting or a short story or something. If I'm just numb I won't feel the need to do anything at all. Which is less preferable.

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  4. I am current going through the comfortably numb feeling as of now. Well, I should say, this moment, I am. Give me half-hour and it will probably change. I am on 300mg Topamax, and 300 WellbutrinXL. I suppose that has something to do with the numbness. I was given a prescription for Lithium this week but I am scared to start it. Does anyone here take it? I was just reading the side effects, and they scare the pee outta me, man! Is it worth it? By the way, You have a great blog! Take Care...~Koko

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  5. I feel nothing right now. I wish I could care about something. I just can't. And no one understands...but "us"

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  6. I agree with pjbrubak ... it seems better for me if the sadness comes, I cry it out or write or bang on the drums, and I work through it.

    When the sadness is replaced by leaden hopelessness, I want nothing more than to lay in bed or hide from everyone, and let the hopelessness get worse. It takes root and grows, making me believe there is nothing worth getting up for, or nothing worth living for. This is the most dangerous for me.

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  7. A note here for beauty: I was on all kinds of meds until I started lithium the first time, and it turned out to be all I needed in order to level off. When I stopped taking lithium after a year or so, I was able to live a relatively normal life for almost ten years. The second time my mania went out of control they tried all kinds of meds until i got fed up and asked them to just give me lithium. I was on it for another year, stopped taking it, and haven't been on any meds since late 1996. I guess I should be celebrating some sort of anniversary. Give lithium a try, by all means. It might be just the ticket. But don't let them convince you you'll need it forever.

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  8. Because it rarely occurs for me, I prefer numbness. It is odd for me and it makes me feel like what it might have been like if I got to take street drugs, which I never did. Truth to tell you, I felt the numb kind yesterday, as I have been sick and am starting antibiotics. I really like something that 'kills' the emotions but I also don't like when it goes too far and I'm so out it I feel like I'm back in my drooling days. This seems such a rarity that I do believe I enjoy it, as compared to thinking and feeling too much. An occasional numbness as compared to pain is a little nice.

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  9. numb is too close to dead

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  10. I got the numb kind... despite Venlafaxine and ECT... still numb.

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  11. Thanks for your help, Kodeureum. I appreciate it! Take care.

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  12. I like numb because its so close to dead. Its a safe place because you basicly are dead in your head and its a situation where you can be dead without breaking hearts and destroying your family. Its also a temporary alternative to death that you can return from in you're own time when you're ready.

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