Confessional

Sitting here in my electronic hermitage by the sea, I'm a super confident chap. And I probably come across in this blog as a lot more together than I actually am. Because the minute you put me in a social situation (I mean real, live, meaty people) my anxiety levels rocket.

The issue immediately at hand: Tai Chi Classes. I've been meaning to rejoin Tai Chi classes for nearly 5 years now. When I did it before - I lurvd it. It's good me for me, its what I need, I love it and even my physio has now sternly prescribed it. So what's stopping me?

Me is what's stopping me. Me and my fear of joining a new class and getting introduced to a whole bunch of people that already know each other. The real sting is my hand tremor shake (Lamictal induced I'm convinced). There is nothing like the smooth flow of a Tai Chi class to draw critical attention to your shaking limbs. Is it just South Africa or do people everywhere automatically assume you're a dirty, sleezy alcoholic if you shake?

But, I lie, actually, because I still felt the apprehension prior to Lamictal and the hand tremors. It would be nice to rationalise the whole thing and pin the blame on the shakes, but in truth there is no rational reason for the fear in the world. Yip, it's PHOBIC. (I don't call myself a geek for my tech passion only, the "social awkwardity" is probably a better identifier).

So I been sitting down like a good Buddhist and OBSERVING these feelings and mindsets. And I've arrived at the conclusion that to be self-conscious (which is the root of the issue) is actually very SELF-CENTERED. aka EGOTISTICAL. I mean, like the Tai Chi class actually gives a huge fuck about BPG joining their proceedings! A little curiosity maybe, but its not like I'm going to be on center stage all night. People have got their own lives to lead, their own little bubbles to live in.

And EGOTISTICAL is not a very good Buddhist thing. In fact, its a very BAD Buddhist thing. Protecting the ego, guarding reputations, clinging to self.

LET GO damnit.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE THE FRIGGIN HERO OF THE TAI CHI CLASS. It doesn't even matter if you actually ARE the gibbering shaking idiot in the corner. SO WHAT? Who the fck gives a toss anyway?

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Yeah, yeah. Only next week will tell if this little pep talk has done its trick...