Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Cave Man sensuality

It's been over a month since stopping smoking cigarettes. Wrong time of year man, with all the festive eats flying around, and a sharply increased sense of taste and smell. The bathroom scale is starting to go north. Fortunately I can carry a fair bit of weight, having done many years of weight training (but not for the last 3 years), but my clothes are getting tight.

So I got to thinking. My nose and tongue are the real culprits. Taste and Smell. I mean if it weren't for how good all the bad food tasted (and how bad all the good food tasted), there wouldn't be any problem. It's kinda like a cruel joke. Hey, if you couldn't taste things you could live on raw fish and cabbage. So: fuck taste.

What does taste and smell actually do for the 3rd millenium human being? Besides the bad, I mean? Huh? Your silence is deafening. Ok, so when we were back farting in caves and we needed to tell whether a carcass of raw, fly-infested elk was 30 days old or 5 days old - we needed the ol' whiffer and taster. And the whiffer would be a handy way to detect approaching fires too, not to mention approaching hostile tribes who, no doubt, hadn't invented deodorant yet.

But here, 2005, we got fridges, "best before" expiry dates, smoke sensors, showers and soap. On top of that we've got these delicious creamy, fatty, sweety meals, available 24/7 in huge abundance. Seems to me taste and smell are only liabilites right now. Redundant. Hang overs from the cave clubbing days.

Me, I'm seriously considering getting my damn buds removed. I haven't got to researching this particular plan on the Net yet, but I'm sure as hell going to. Shit, if they can do all kinds of fancy makeovers on faces, boobs and butts, then zapping the taste and smell buds must be a piece of fat creamy cake. Come to think of it, I could probably offer my buds to the medical fraternity as a kind of guinnea pig project, and get the whole operation for free. Better - get PAID for it.

And then I could patent the diet - BiPolar Guy's Zip Zap diet. And nobody would have to fuck around with all these other hoodwink diets. And in the process we'd save the planet. No more ovens or frying pans (everything raw), no more cattle farms or avian flu. Unbelievable reductions in health care bills. Affordable food for all. Damn, this is good. Could be the fkn solution to the whole of the human race, mother Earth and the whole bleeding Universe.

You think I'm joking? Not a fuck. I already had my tonsils out and never noticed any difference other than a welcome respite from recurring sore throats. And how many dudes haven't had their appendices removed?

There is no doubt about it: taste buds n' sniff buds are going the way of the wagon, the tonsils, the appendix and George Bush's third term.


  1. This is genius! If you can't taste anything you can jam just about (well, almost) anything down your thought that you damn well please.

    Like you said, this might just save the planet :)

  2. Fortunately, the USA doesn't allow 3rd terms for presidents, so that problem is solved. :)

    Big Congratulations on quitting smoking! I quit 2 years ago after 30 years of smoking, but actually lost weight when I did. How? The patch. For some reason they made me nauseous, so I could barely eat. That might be an idea, if you haven't tried them.
    Keep in mind you can always work on the weight afterwards. Right now, the not smoking is a huge priority & is a life or death choice.
    Whatever you do, don't take 1 hit off a cig. k?

    I hope you have a Merry Christmas & a safe New Years.

  3. Let us know how that all works out for you!


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