Uncertainty

Been a Pretty Shitty weekend so far. Spent most of yesterday horizontal. No energy. Total boredom, everything seeming like a total schlepp. Miss L going to Johannesburg for the weekend didn't help either - a certain vitality missing in the air.

Finally last night the mood started to turn. I was listening to Queen. I've overplayed Queen a bit in my life but there's no denying that these guys were super polished. The week Freddy Mercury died, I was living in London and I remember Queen songs emanating from evey pub, flat and shopfront for an entire week.

Then Mrs M and I watched the DVD "Quills". All about the infamous Marquis de Sade, the master writer of erotica and perversion from a former century. Good movie and good cast. Michael Caine, River Phoenix and Kate Winslett. Kate really does it for me, the epitomy of voluption, so it was kinda kinky seeing her in an erotica movie.

The big thing that has derailed my incredible progress over the past month has undoubtedly been the possible business sale that has entered my ballpark. With so much unpredicatable change in my BiPolar life, I find that I need routine and a clearly mapped-out future to work towards. Much more so than non-BiPolar folk. So when an event comes along that can completely alter the course of your life, turn all the carefully established routine on it's head and obliterate any cherished roadmaps, it's not surprising my world falls apart. Uncertainty is like poison to me.

Hand-in-hand with uncertainty goes indecision. More poison. The "should I stay or should I go?" theme ricochettes around my head like a manic pingpong ball.

Right now I'm wanting this sale to go ahead. I kept telling myself that this business had a huge invisible premium for me because it is BiPolar friendly (not easy to find). But then I realised that been in so much damn debt as I am also has a huge invisible downside. BiPolars, of all people, should not get themselves into debt.

So I want my million. A buck in the hand is worth ten in the bush. Which is now putting even more stress on me. Kinda like been told that you're in the final 2 for a lottery payout but you'll only get final confirmation some time in the next 3 weeks. "We can't tell you when - it could be tomorrow, it could be in 20 days time".

Not a calm place to be...