Overriding depression
I listened to this podcast on depression yesterday (http://intraspectus.com/learn/audio/ - the 11 july 2005 session - HIGHLY RECOMMENDED) and suddenly things came into a new focus. I might be BiPolar, but what I am suffering from right now, and have been for the past 5 years, is major depression. Nothing less, nothing more. OK so I have these little pink smileys that pop up on my posts now and then (and very occassionally a red smiley) but those are just ripples on the surface of the waves. The real stuff that counts - the underlying tides themselves - have been ebbing outwards for 5 years straight now.
In fact, BiPolar in my case is a bit of a misnomer. If I look back at the past 15 years I have probably suffered a cumulative total of about 2 weeks of full-blown, psychosis-level mania. And 10 years of depression.
That equates to:
- 66% of the time depressed
- 33% of the time normal (in which I built up my business and actually acheived any notion of worldly success)
- and 0.15% of the time manic.
And why, against this set of facts, does my medication regime consist of 33% of chemicals to ensure that I don't go psychotic??
And why, when I go see the psychiatrist, does she spend 50% of the time searching for signs of mania???
And why, if she thinks there are signs of mania it constitutes a medical emergency, whereas chronic depression just seems to be a fact of life?
And why, when I discuss weed with Mrs M, telling her that it may alieve depression, her major worry is that it might induce psychosis??? *
All these mights, mights, mights - when, actually, the established FACT is that I DO have major depression, no maybes about it!
Mania, unfortunately, has been been blown out of all proportion by popular culture. It makes for good movies and books, not like depression which is downright fckn boring. OK, so mania is when you might be at your most dangerous to other people - well I can tell you that I have never so much as lifted a finger against anyone whilst psychotic. If anything, I've gone on these messianic adventures preaching world peace and brotherly love.
But when it comes to which is the most destructive for BPG, it is hands-fckn-down depression. No question. That's the thing that's gonna bankrupt me. That's the thing that has any chance of killing me (hosepipe thru the car window). Ever heard anybody dying from mania???
In fact, the sickest joke of the lot is that if you ask your pDoc what the greatest collaterall damages of mania are, they will likely say "You will crash afterwards and go thru bad depression". HEY, MR PDOC - I'VE ALREADY GOT MOTHERSTICKIN' DEPRESSION!!!!!
I think I'm really onto something here. Will have to continue some time.
* - Weed is definitely OUT as far as I'm concerned, but I'm just pointing out the same skewed logic at work.
Seems I have missed out on a lot of anger the past few posts. I feel that anger is good for the moment but not for the long term. It clouds judgement as well as being motivational. I always thought that being a Buddhist monk would be an ideal until I made one in Thailand angry!!
ReplyDeleteYou had discussions on the topic of rapid cycling and now you are moving into the Bipolar Type II arena? A shift in perspective or a realisation that finding "Happiness" is something everybody is trying to attain with or without a mental illness?
You're onto something there. I was depressed for almost a year, which is a long time when you're turning seventeen, and didn't get introduced to a psychiatrist until I'd gone forty-eight hours with no sleep and acting very peculiarly manic. The depression, others can deal with. It's the manic energy, ideas and non-stop talking that puts them off. I'd been depressed for years since my divorce but I never worried about it until I started acting strange and not sleeping. You've given me some insight into myself, so thank you and please keep up the good posts!
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