Friday, October 05, 2007

Depression versus Unhappiness

I'm not in a good place at the moment. All sorts of doubts and insecurities are creeping in, and I'm starting to feel like an invalid. It might sound nice to sit at home playing around with Photoshop and answering the odd work email whilst wife goes to work everyday - but it's not. You're continually wracked with guilt and continually feel inadequate. Well I do anyway.

Most BiPolars tend to conflate depression and unhappiness. And I think I've been doing this for the past 3 years since my diagnosis. Any sign of "unhappiness" and I just attribute it to the bipolar chemical imbalance in my head. Like: "Just going thru a rough patch - it's to be expected. Nothing else wrong at all, this just comes with the territory."

OK sure, so there probably is a 80% overlap between depression and unhappiness (for bipolars anyway), but what about the other 20%?? Maybe it's not ALL chemical. Maybe you ARE living the wrong lifestyle. Maybe you HAVE made bad decisions that have led to unhappiness. And maybe instead of just attributing the whole thing to your genes you gotta take a long hard look at yourself and get a little more pro-active rather than passive resignation/acceptance.

And maybe living as a 100% recluse, sealed off from the rest of humanity, lying around feeling hard done by because of my genetic fate and occasionally participating in a little mental masturbation is a BIG part of my depression right now.

Feel like I need to be seeing a therapist. Haven't seen one for over 2 years now. The problem is that I didn't like the last one. He just didn't seem genuine deep down. And the prospect of finding a new (good) one and then spending the first goddam month just getting them up to speed with my complex, twisted and tormented life just seems like a hurdle to large to scale...

9 comments:

  1. The best cure for depression I've found is to get the hell up from the couch.

    If I can do it, you can.

    Get up, old friend. See a therapist, and mow the farking lawn.

    Mage

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  2. Time to cover your bases and strike out at your passion.

    If you make a move and fuck out, so what !

    Dig deep, feel what gives you a bone and head in that direction.

    V.

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  3. You are only a physical recluse, your mind is open to the world around you and you have invited many people in.

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  4. Well after having the panic attack from hell which my psychiatrist had the pleasure of hearing over the phone I have been sent back to therapy- you can come too. I also havent seen a therapist in a few years. Didnt see the point as they cant cure bi-polar, but well maybe they can help us deal with some of the issues that go along with living with it eh? I think there is probably some validity to your thinking. Personally I have been given a few therapists to choose from. I plan to "interview" them first. If I dont click with one, feel comfortable and that that person can do me some good, then I will move on to the next. Maybe you could do the same. At anyrate, I'm going, join me :P

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  5. Well fu*k. I feel the same. I work from home too, haven't seen my therapist in a while (same reason as you), don't feel like finding new one... so if for nothing else your post motivated me to do something about it. So thanks.

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  6. i recommend against therapist. they're all prolly way less informed than you (i woulda said stupider, but then you know how i feel about your mensa labels).

    you need to SIT with a TEACHER who offers dokusan (in soto) / sanzen (rinzai).

    i know you're buddhist, so excuse me for recommending zen to you, but what you need is that PRIVATE INTERVIEW during formal sittings at some kind of zendo.

    now fuck me but i have never done better in my ENTIRE life since i've started this practice.

    ps: i'm married again & life in general couldn't be better & i'm off ALL MEDS - i mean i've never really been addickted to antipsychotix, but still i was on that 100mg of lamictal for a long while, anyway now there's NOTHING in my blood except sussok'kan (rinzai zen meditation).

    now i'm telling you this again, i know you've been in a monastery whatever bullshit, but i suspect you've never really had a REALLY EXPERIENCED TEACHER.

    so fucking go get yourself one and SIT.

    you will learn to drop your mind and if you drop your mind where the fuck is your bipolar with it, man, i ask you?

    again and for the last time, i'm tired to repeat myself:

    SIT WITH TEACHER WHO KNOWS AND HAS TIME TO SPEND WITH YOU DAILY!

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  7. z0tl, Wow you found someone who loves you! The world never ceases to amaze me ;)

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  8. No, it's not all chemical. But the chemical is exacerbated by the situational, at least in my case. One would say...manic-depression is reacting to Life in an extreme way.

    In learning how to deal with the situational, (with do-it-yourself-CBT), I'm actually managing the chemical. Which means I'm still nuts, just functionally so. Most days. :)

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  9. I agree with everything you have said in this post. I too find it easier to be reculsive, and it is a chore bringing people up to snuff about your disorder. When put in that situation I get angry quickly and feel as though that individual should be able to "see" the real me and if they can't then I just can't seem to tell them. I guess if you were to compare my breed of bi polar to being a dog...I would be a mut...lots of overlapping crap...second "labels"
    Hang in there...about the only thing I do take solace in is that bi polars are special in that we are a creative, articulate, and freaking brilliant!

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