The Beauty of Fear
Way back in 2006 (yes, this blog is a long-haul blog) I wrote a post about two different types of depression. The one I called the "feel-too-much" type, and the other the "feel-nothing" type. Mine has always been the latter, the numb shell that nothing get's through. And I'm not convinced which is the greater cause of the numb shell, the actual depression, or the meds to fight it.
Either way, its a shit kind of depression. Sometimes the numbness is worse than others. When its really bad, NOTHING gets through to me. Nothing makes any impact or touches me in anyway.
Actually, that's not true. Sometimes one emotion gets through and that is what this post is about: fear. There have been times when a really good horror movie can break through and rattle my world. And it is bliss when it does. Paranois is always deemed a bad thing (the worst thing in clinical terms) but I'm not always sure. Along with the numb, can't-feel-anything stupor is often always a severe lack of energy. I have intimately known Paranois - and it certainly gives you an energy boost. It's that old fight or flight adrenalin response that kicks in.
So instead of running from paranois maybe we can milk it? Harvest its energy boosting properties? Maybe even... dare I say it, cultivate it to a certain extent. You've just got to learn how to deal with it. But once you can then its a fairly straight-forward choice between numb energylessness or fired up paranois.
And this is no doubt the secret that extreme Sports nuts have discovered. They relish the danger and fear. Without the danger and fear, life would be bland. As Nietzsche said:
"For believe me! — the secret for harvesting from existence the greatest fruitfulness and the greatest enjoyment is: to live dangerously!"
In a follow-up post I will tell you the wonderful source of some of my fear, and what i am learning from it.
I usually suffer from the same set of symptoms of depression similar to yourself: flat, numb, hopelessness, no energy, no volition, worthless, suicidal.
ReplyDelete*By the way. I tried to go to your link. Its taking me to an 'HTTP error on page' page. Me thinks its because you've neglected to highlight the letter 'n' of the word 'depression' in that sentence.
I have never been an adrenalin junkie. I have had moments in my life when I have thought “ that was close!”. A moment earlier or a moment later and I would not be writing this comment. However, I absolutely love being in potential dangerous situations but knowing that you are in control. A couple of moments come to mind. Hill walking in 80 mph winds and zero visibility alone. Skippering a yacht in a Force 9 at night and trying to enter a port, having never skippered a yacht and sailed at night once before. If you had depression before it certainly clears up extremely quickly!
ReplyDeleteThe depression I have had in the past I can only describe as extreme laziness. No motivation, no drive and no future. Fear will certainly break the shackles of lifelessness.
Thanks L - link fixed.
ReplyDeleteI have psychosis and I totally know what you mean about the "numb" feeling. But most times I thrive off that feeling. It keeps me separated from the outside world at times when I just want to run away. But I also know how it feels to hate the feeling of being numb, because all you want to do is feel something, and in your case you picked fear as your way of feeling. I just havent found my way of controlling my feeling yet. Good luck to you.
ReplyDeleteReading this, I've realized that I've now had the pleasure of feeling both kinds of depression, and I agree with you...it's crap. (And I've learned that I'm one helleva actress with it.) Look forward to your next post.
ReplyDeleteSounds it might be time for me to board an airplane again.
ReplyDeleteThe world cup calls - face danger in the face.
ReplyDelete