Saturday, October 28, 2006

Depression type 2 Part 2

see Depression type 2 first.

From the comments on last post it seems that, whilst some hate "Feel-to-much" depression, most hate "Feel-nothing" depression more. I reckon that goes for me too. Problem is, having identified the numb type depression, I can see that I rarely ever feel too much. Nothing gets through. Maybe part of that is because I am an extremely selfish individual, obessessed with my own little world. But maybe that's because nothing gets through (arrrrrgh... the Dreaded infinite loopy).

Any how, today I am feeling. I am feeling the greatest of pain for Miss L. She's just gone through her first "break-up" and it has knocked every little trace of happiness out of her young body. She's angry with the world. Can't understand how fck cruel the universe is. And, I'm kinda going through it with her. Eventually somebody had to penetrate my thick shell, and i guess if your own child can't do that then you're beyond help.

The pain was particularly intense when we were driving to Cape Point this morning, dark clouds overhead, Miss L curled up on the backseat, her total world in smitherenes. And my first reaction to the pain was "NO, STOP THIS, I can't take it!" But then I started thinking about the numb type 2 depression, and I saw that in a weird way - this pain was good. I mean ultimately the only way to beat the numbness is for some radical feeling to get through. And when it does , you can't just shut it out and retreat even further into the shell. You gotta ride with it. Feel it. Suffer.

Sometimes it is preferable to suffer.

2 comments:

  1. so i fed my balls to rabbid pigs as you suggested yesterday and lookat what happened!

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  2. first: i revere your blog contents AND layout. looking pretty.

    second, has anyone ever told you you resemble Vince Vaughn in any way?

    third: i think depression type 1 is a bit more desperating. cuz you realize you're depressed and not feeling anything kinda makes you go whack (at least thats what happens to me). i feel like i SHOULD be crying, i SHOULD be feeling and those are the moments in which i usually resort to cutting, burning, etc. like it makes me any LESS crazy:P

    fourth: i feel VERY sorry for Miss L. Doesnt she see a psychiatrist? is she on meds herself? man heartbreaks suck. maybe try to go do different things with her, take her to the beach with you, teach her how to surf, i dont know. anyway, thoughts from ANOTHER brokenhearted teenager;)

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