addict

Ways to keep yr sanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write " For Smuggling Diamonds"

7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."

8 . Don't use any punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

For those who take life too seriously:

From Scribd the world's largest open library of documents

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set
2. A day without sunshine is, like, night
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
8. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
9. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
10. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
11. Remember half the people you know are below average.
12. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
13. Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.
14. Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
15. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
16. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
17. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
18. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets thecheese.
19. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
20. I intend to live forever - so far so good.
21. Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.
22. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
24. Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.25. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
26. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
27. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
28. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
29. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
30. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
31. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
32. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks
33. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
34. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
35. Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
37. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
38. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
39. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
40. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above yourprinciples.
41. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
42. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
43. Two wrongs are only the beginning.
44. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
45. The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catchup.
46. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
47. Change is inevitable except from vending machines.
48. Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!
49. Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
50. Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
51. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
52. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...
53. Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
54. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.

Happy Easter

Hope I'm not offending anybody but I got sent this and I thought it was pretty cool.

Second Life

You may or may not know about secondlife.com, the fast growing 3D social community on the Neb. If not, check it out, because it's a glimpse of where the internet is going. A little wormhole in the current mesh of things that can transport you instantly into Web 3.0. Second Life is virtual reality come to fruition. It even has its whole own economy with its own currency and genuine floating exchange rate to the world's major currencies. Large retailers are increasingly buying up virtual billboard space in Second Life's virtual malls and virtual golf courses. There is such a thriving job market in second life that more and more people earn their entire "real world" income from their jobs in virtual land.

I've been toying with the idea of taking out a Second Life citizenship for many months now. But I've always been scared that my virtual life demands would put even more pressure on my endangered spare time. But today, I have found an even newer, bigger, better second-life type site check it out here , and I am CONVINCED. This is the way to go!

Egghead

BiPolar Guy flew very tall
BiPolar Guy had a great fall
And all the Pdoctors
And all the Pmeds
Couldn't get BPG
Out of his bed

BiPolar Defined

Uncyclopedia.org is a mirror of wikipedia, only it's about 10 times more accurate and reliable. Here's some of it's entries:

bipolar disorder

Bipolar disorder, also known as 'happy happy-not not' disease, is a so-called psychological condition invented in the 1970's (Not to be confused with Manic Depression which is an Impact Crater caused by the Clinically Manic jumping out of aeroplanes at 20,000 feet). Prior to 1970 sufferers of this illness were locked away in artist lofts and poets' corners and kept away from the general public. It wasn't until the 21st century that the thinking changed regarding this mysterious malady. In May of 2005 reknowned scientist Dr. Tom Cruise made the earthshattering announcement before the Harvard School of Psychological Sciences that Bipolar disorder is "all in your head".

Scientists once believed that bipolar disorder was caused by a combination of parental and environmental factors. Most commonly the onset of this disorder would be linked to a fat, poorly dressed mother who forced her family to act normal when daddy came home drunk and used a shotgun to rid the dining room of it's cockroach problem. This stressful environment would then cause Junior to become the school bully and later in life, the chatroom troll. Modern science has since come to realize that children should be seen and not heard, and simply lock up the troublemakers in military school or detention centers.

As a result, President Bush has added Bipolar disorder to the list of psychosomatic illnesses no longer covered by Medicaid. According to White House spokesman Bill O'Reilly, "Yay! More money for the war chest."

Manic Depression

Manic depression (not related to bipolar disorder nor AD/HD - a condition found among overenthusiastic Polar explorers) is a mutated form of the common cold which first emerged a long time ago. People with manic depression alternate between two polar opposites: happy and monster truck. It should be noticed that this shit is dead fucking serious, because it happens directly in the brain, and is known by philosophers to be caused by CHEMICALS. During the happy faces, manic depressive individuals are known to sniff glue, which is contrasted sharply by the monster truck phase, which involves, paradoxically, driving monster trucks.

[edit]

History

Manic depression was first diagnosed by Aristotle in Ancient Greece BC when he was fiddling with a Nintendo lovingly (and it liked it). Aristotle's cold suddenly caused him to rapdily switch between glue sniffing and mosnter truck driving, which, to quote him exactly, "was a fucking bitch to say the least, Socrates." Needless to say it went away after a few days because unlike most manic depressives, Aristotle was not a pussy. Current theology on manic depression shows that the disease may be caused by the struggle between drugs and cars.

and my very favourite:

Psychosis

Psychosis a small island off of the south west coast of Chile. The inhabitants, mostly psychos have reached a population about fifteen thousand. Their society is comprised entirely of lacrosse players and people who are infected with americanism. The local delicacy is Nike and the animal is the Egyptian Pantaloon.

“There is only one thing worse than being psychotic, and that is not being psychotic.”

~ Oscar Wilde

The island is usually on fire.

The national language of Psychosis is Bollocks.

It is good that you have read this far, because everyone else in the world has already skimmed this entire article and moved on, completely missing these next three paragraphs. But you're not like them, see? You know the truth. You aren't crazy. There really are secret messages hidden in everything you read that are for you, just you, and only you.

As you have already figured out, the Secret Government emanating from a Parallel Dimension has been monitoring you since your birth, nay indeed, since your conception. We are sorry that you had to learn of your special role in the world this way. We were hoping to break the news to you next Thursday, on page 21 of the local paper, in the third paragraph of the article on the fire in the restaurant kitchen.

Ignore those people who say you don't know what you are talking about. They're part of the Winged Monkey Army that is here to stop you from exposing the world for what it is. Good luck.

Sunday

Comic Relief # 2

The world is coming to an end

PLEASE LOG OFF

Happiness? What happiness?

Good Morning?

Enough said.