Bleak

end of the line
Originally uploaded by Frames-of-Mind.

Very down right now. Will probably be off the grid for a few days. Just need to take time out to get my head right.

Man down

I'm fucked.
In the biggest hole I've been in for 3 years. Maybe ever.
Been lying in bed for 2 days with a huge lump in my throat.
Why?
Plenty reasons. But one main one which I've been blocking out.
Miss L cut her wrists again last week.

Man, I don't know how much more I can take.

Somehow I'm gonna have to scrape myself off the ground.

Or the whole house is gonna come tumbling down.

I am sick today

I was gonna write Overidentification Part 3 today.
But I'm sick.
Not bodily sick.
But a sick being.
A sick soul.

No reasons.
Just sick.
Shoulders drooped. Eyes blank. Limbs sluggish. Heavy heart.
Future hopeless, Past hopeless, Present hopeless
Total annihilation.
Utter.
Except the sickness.
It's a chemical thing...

Got a Gun??

Got-a-Gun?, Got a bludgeon?, got a pill? got a joint?

Got anything??

My wheels have fallen off. This is THE official worst day of 2005. So much for Lamactil. It had just one tweeny little 24 hour day left of Notorious November to get through, to pass the test. Not a fuck. It collapsed a few metres before the Finish Line. They're carrying it off on a stretcher as we speak.

Just want to knock myself out right now. Wake up in 2006.

It's beyond guilt now. Beyond all comprehension.
Pure, unadulterated suffering. Eternal, like the Buddha said.
You guys think you know what this's like? You haven't a clue.

Stop this damn fucking bus now. I want to get off. These words are bleeding out. Drop by bloody drop.

Comatose.

The Suicide Days

Like I was saying on Friday, November 2003 was a bad, bad time for me.

I don't think I'd actually ever get around to committing suicide. Principally because I'd feel too guilty towards loved ones. But in November 2003 I had completely rationalised suicide in my head. These people that jumped off buildings and took OD's, appearing in the newspapers in a final flash of glory - they were the enlightened ones! We were all been conned -life on earth was WAY over-rated.

The year before, 2002, I'd taken a detour into Buddhism, and knew now with certainty what the Buddhists meant by "All life is suffering". Problem for them: there is no escape. Commit Sewerage Pipe, and you come back even worse off. If it wasn't for this reincarnative twist, every Buddhist would do the honorable thing and escape this wheel of suffering once and for all.

And who the heck wanted eternal life anyway? Eternal life, eternal death - what's the difference? If you really think about it, eternal life SUCKS!

As I said - I tied to pin my woes on my studies of postmodern philosophy, my deteriorating financial situation and my 2 year old relationship. There was nothing left which could not become subject to my doubt.

So then I figured, I'd elope. Leave a note behind saying it was either this or suicide, and buy a ticket to Nepal. Maybe I'd bump into some guru on a misty mountain that could wave the magic wand. Or else I would head up to Port St' John's, a rambling little coastal town on the Wild Coast where I'd spend the rest of my days fishing and smoking weed. Or else I'd sell everything up, buy a van and just kind of drift around the back roads of South Africa. Going Nowhere Slowly..

The problem is that: WHEREVER YOU GO - THERE YOU ARE.

In the end I opted to restart my Prozac I had tried to stop 4 months earlier, only this time I doubled up on my dosage. It kicked in nicely and gave me about 9 months reprieve. Every time I have started (or restarted) Prozac it has done that for me. Given me a major kickstart and a couple months of mild Hypomania, but after about 9 months I start developing immunity. It was a "Dead Cat Bounce". By November last year I had come to the same standstill. Couldn't get out of bed for days at a time. Suicide looking highly rational again. That's when the Lamactil was introduced (on top of the double Prozac and Flunaxol I take daily)

I'd be lying if I said I hadn't had downs since. But they're definitely not of the same intensity. There's a type of net down there now that kind of cushions the fall. I just hope no immunity ever creeps in with this stuff.

***
Fairly positive today. Put some work in on my business last night and feeling very good about it. I've got a lot of catch-up to pay off this year. Even though things have improved, I've probably lost a combined 5 weeks to depression so far this year and 3 weeks from my Mania in July. But considering that for about 3 years after selling my business I WASN'T working at all in any conventional sense of the word (unless you count the philosophy studies), this year has been excellent progress.