Value in Depression

Depression sucks, make no mistake. I know this from years of experience. When I'm depressed I can't work, I can't exercise, I don't want to socialise. Just about every single aspect of my life is worse. All I seem to be able to do is eat (way too much) and sleep (way too much).

But I am also learning more and more as the years go by that absolutes don't exist. There is nothing that is 100% bad, even depression. So here are a few potential "silver linings":

• WISDOM - I read somewhere recently that the wisest people are those that have "seen the same thing from many different perspectives". Being very depressed is its own right a unique perspective that is not accessible to everyone in the world.
  
• MEDITATION - I mentioned above that all I can do when I'm depressed is eat and sleep. Actually there's one more thing that seems to go better when I'm depressed - my meditation. Not that I can't meditate when I'm not depressed, but when I'm depressed I just seem that extra bit grounded when meditating.
  
• THRIFT - This one is probably limited to BiPolar Depressives. When I'm down I no longer crave stuff, my wishlist loses its appeal and my "money spent on extra stuff" definitely decreases. (Thank the godz for that, as when I'm manic it is literally the polar opposite)
  
• RELATIVITY - Ultimately our levels of happiness and our levels of unhappiness define each other. This is an inescapable law of the universe and applicable to non-biolars too. The lower you go, the happier the happiness feels when it comes back. This fact alone often gets me through the short term blips, because I know that when its over, I'm due for some really strong doses of feel-good.

No doubt there's loads of other possible values in depression out there and I'd be really glad to hear them.

There is a "stuckness" in depression

In case you wondering - it's "rut", not "vut"

Going through the motions

"Just going through the motions" is often a familiar term to depression sufferers. As in: There's no passion, no feeling, no joy - "I'm just going through the motions".

I've started meditating again on a daily basis and at one point, being disappointed as to how my meditation was going, I thought to myself - BPG you're not really meditating - you're just setting the timer, sitting down, and getting up again when the timer goes off.

My mind lingered on this picture and eventually I realised that, hey, maybe going through the motions is the most important part. I mean imagine going for a 20 mile cycle, coming home, and saying "I was just going through the motions". You know, like moving the pedals with my feet...  WTF else are you meant to be doing when you cycle??

Or swimming? Even better Tai Chi (which I also did for a year or 2)? Going through the Tai Chi motions is Tai Chi.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that next time you're feeling flat, and are complaining to yourself that, really, you are just going through the motions - think again! You're probably doing the most important part.

The Beauty of Fear

Way back in 2006 (yes, this blog is a long-haul blog) I wrote a post about two different types of depression. The one I called the "feel-too-much" type, and the other the "feel-nothing" type. Mine has always been the latter, the numb shell that nothing get's through. And I'm not convinced which is the greater cause of the numb shell, the actual depression, or the meds to fight it.

Either way, its a shit kind of depression. Sometimes the numbness is worse than others. When its really bad, NOTHING gets through to me. Nothing makes any impact or touches me in anyway.

Actually, that's not true. Sometimes one emotion gets through and that is what this post is about: fear. There have been times when a really good horror movie can break through and rattle my world. And it is bliss when it does. Paranois is always deemed a bad thing (the worst thing in clinical terms) but I'm not always sure. Along with the numb, can't-feel-anything stupor is often always a severe lack of energy. I have intimately known Paranois - and it certainly gives you an energy boost. It's that old fight or flight adrenalin response that kicks in.

So instead of running from paranois maybe we can milk it? Harvest its energy boosting properties? Maybe even... dare I say it, cultivate it to a certain extent. You've just got to learn how to deal with it. But once you can then its a fairly straight-forward choice between numb energylessness or fired up paranois.

And this is no doubt the secret that extreme Sports nuts have discovered. They relish the danger and fear. Without the danger and fear, life would be bland. As Nietzsche said:

"For believe me! — the secret for harvesting from existence the greatest fruitfulness and the greatest enjoyment is: to live dangerously!"

In a follow-up post I will tell you the wonderful source of some of my fear, and what i am learning from it.

Depression versus Unhappiness

I'm not in a good place at the moment. All sorts of doubts and insecurities are creeping in, and I'm starting to feel like an invalid. It might sound nice to sit at home playing around with Photoshop and answering the odd work email whilst wife goes to work everyday - but it's not. You're continually wracked with guilt and continually feel inadequate. Well I do anyway.

Most BiPolars tend to conflate depression and unhappiness. And I think I've been doing this for the past 3 years since my diagnosis. Any sign of "unhappiness" and I just attribute it to the bipolar chemical imbalance in my head. Like: "Just going thru a rough patch - it's to be expected. Nothing else wrong at all, this just comes with the territory."

OK sure, so there probably is a 80% overlap between depression and unhappiness (for bipolars anyway), but what about the other 20%?? Maybe it's not ALL chemical. Maybe you ARE living the wrong lifestyle. Maybe you HAVE made bad decisions that have led to unhappiness. And maybe instead of just attributing the whole thing to your genes you gotta take a long hard look at yourself and get a little more pro-active rather than passive resignation/acceptance.

And maybe living as a 100% recluse, sealed off from the rest of humanity, lying around feeling hard done by because of my genetic fate and occasionally participating in a little mental masturbation is a BIG part of my depression right now.

Feel like I need to be seeing a therapist. Haven't seen one for over 2 years now. The problem is that I didn't like the last one. He just didn't seem genuine deep down. And the prospect of finding a new (good) one and then spending the first goddam month just getting them up to speed with my complex, twisted and tormented life just seems like a hurdle to large to scale...

Guilt

The other day I wrote a post detailing how I often feel guilty when I'm too depressed to work but still manage to get out to take photos during the day.

Lee made the following telling comment:

"Why do you feel guilty?"

Let me count the ways...

Mainly it's to do with financial responsibility. Here's a few facts:

• Mrs M works in a high stressed job, which she doesn't particularly enjoy, leaving home at 6h15 am to negotiate major traffic jams to get there. She earns a good salary (thank G), but can never afford to treat herself to anything because basically, her salary is supporting me too.
• My aging retired Dad has loaned us money. In the meantime he scrimps and scrapes and may be forced to sell his house, one of the reasons being that I can't repay him.
  
• In an effort to alleviate this, my Mom tries to earn a little income by giving art classes. It is extremely painful for her, as she has really bad knees and hips (2 x hip replacement operations)
• My sister, who in many ways has even more mental health issues than me, soldiers on at her half day job, day in and day out. She also finds it extremely stressful, but unlike me, she pushes and pushes herself.
  
• Miss L is likely going to move back in with us next year. We might have to sell our house to afford it. And this time I can't send her to a good school. I promised her a trip to London when she turns fifteen, ever since she was about 6 (so she can see where her Mom and I lived, and where she was conceived). Right now I can't even give her a trip to the local steakhouse.
  
• Mrs M's parents have also lent us money. We do pay monthly interest on that loan, otherwise they would not eat. Mother-in-law spends every day at her sewing machine (despite Osteoporosis) to try make ends meet.

And in the meantime, I struggle to put in an hour's work a day.

What, in my opinion, makes it particularly difficult for BiPolars (as opposed to long term unipolar depression sufferers) is that in the Up years, we manage to achieve GREAT things. Like set up my own business, which made major monthly profits for a few years, and realised me a fat cheque when I sold it to a big player in the field.

So you kinda set a precedent. What I'm trying to say is that if I had been depressed all along, and struggled to maintain any career my whole working life, then expectations (self and from others) would not be there, and it would be kinda OK. But because I was capable of having a highly successful career in various points of my life, the obvious logic arises: "Well, he's totally capable, he's just been lazy right now." (like the past 5 years)

And then there's the financial debt issue. Perhaps a unipolar depressive would be more hesitant to take on a half million buck loan from a bank. Not me. I kept telling myself: Well I've done it before, so it's only a matter of time before I get my hyper entrepeneurial drive back, and then I can club the debt in no time at all. Guess what, 5 years later and I'm still waiting for the entrepeneurial spirit. In the meantime my values in life have completely changed, and I'm pretty sure I'll never want to be a success-driven person again (even if I could). I'm quite content to lead my simple life of daily meditation and simplicity. The bank manager, as I'm sure you'll understand, is not so excited about these aspirations (actually he doesn't know about them - I reserve my face from previous years for the likes of him).

So GUILT, if you ask me, is pretty damn appropriate.

Problem is: the ROOT issue is to get out of depression. Wanna know the very WORST way to get out of depression? One word: GUILT.

So it's like a never-ending downward spiral:

Depression => Guilt => more depression => more guilt => more depression => more guilt => more depression => more guilt => more depression => more guilt => more depression => more guilt => more depression => more guilt (yes, I feel quite strongly about this).

Anybody got any ideas about how to escape this whirlpool?

A complicated BiPolar issue

I've got a bipolar friend that lives on the other side of town. He goes through bad patches of depression, and can't get out of bed to work in the week. But, as his wife vehemently points out, "that doesn't stop him from getting up and watching rugby on Saturday afternoons."

Ok, so I can see where his wife is coming from. But take a moment to think the whole thing through properly. Depression works on a spectrum. When at it's worst, you can do NOTHING. There is ZERO that interests you, no matter how exciting it used to be. When the depression eases marginally, and you move up the spectrum a little, some previously-very-exciting things might become bearable. Like (in my friend's case) dragging yourself out of bed to watch the rugby on Saturday afternoon. And when this little twinge of interest returns you gotta seize it, go with it, DO IT. That's the only way you gonna get better enough to be able to do the less interesting things like work. Some call it "recovery".

Problem is, the outside world can't always see this. The way it looks to them is that you are kinda shaming when there's work to be done, and fine when it's fun time.

So what would my friend's wife rather have him do? If he stayed in bed all week, and didn't get out of bed on Saturday afternoons to watch rugby, would that be OK then? Would that then prove that he was truly sufficiently depressed not to work? Or does she expect him to somehow manage to slay the beast of depression in the face of tedious work, and then not manage to face the sport on Saturday afternoons??

And hey, its not just other people. I myself, often feel huge guilt when I'm out taking photos while everyone else is working. And sometimes, when I'm really low, and I just climb into bed in the middle of the morning, then I feel less guilt. It somehow seems to be OK then, like, I'm sick, I'm bedbound, it's excusable that I'm not working.

Like I said, complicated...

Looking for positives in depression

I'm pretty damn down at the mo. Have been for the past 3 days. Total lethargy. Fatigue. Torpor. Feel like I'm swimming in glue.

So I thought that this morning I'm going to try and peer into this depression and see if i can find any positives in being down. There must be positives. Every bad has got a spot of good, and good a spot of bad.

Let's see...

OK, for one thing I'm not wanting to buy anything at the mo. I look up and down my wishlist ( a prime motivator when I'm NOT depressed) and I'm thinking, well actually, why do I really want these things? A plus, surely.

And also I'm kind of placid right now. Since coming off the anti-psychotics my temper has been closer than usual, but in this state I don't think anything could make me angry. Grumpy sure, but not angry. A good thing?

My meditation sessions are going better. Meditation is one of those really weird things that seem to go better when you're down rather than up. When things are zipping along nicely the meditative mind often flits all over the place, whereas a slow mind is much easier to conjure into a trance.

I suppose too, that this depressive state is more conducive to serious soul-searching, something you don't have the time to do when things are going well. Not sure though that this is a positive. I've had so many years of soul-searching that what what my life is needing right now is some action, not further searches.

But I guess the best thing about this current slump, is looking forward to the end of it. When it finally blows over (and it WILL blow over) I'm going to appreciate normality more gratefully than I ever could have without it.

And now I'll just go and continue wallowing in the negatives...

Depression type 2 Part 2

see Depression type 2 first.

From the comments on last post it seems that, whilst some hate "Feel-to-much" depression, most hate "Feel-nothing" depression more. I reckon that goes for me too. Problem is, having identified the numb type depression, I can see that I rarely ever feel too much. Nothing gets through. Maybe part of that is because I am an extremely selfish individual, obessessed with my own little world. But maybe that's because nothing gets through (arrrrrgh... the Dreaded infinite loopy).

Any how, today I am feeling. I am feeling the greatest of pain for Miss L. She's just gone through her first "break-up" and it has knocked every little trace of happiness out of her young body. She's angry with the world. Can't understand how fck cruel the universe is. And, I'm kinda going through it with her. Eventually somebody had to penetrate my thick shell, and i guess if your own child can't do that then you're beyond help.

The pain was particularly intense when we were driving to Cape Point this morning, dark clouds overhead, Miss L curled up on the backseat, her total world in smitherenes. And my first reaction to the pain was "NO, STOP THIS, I can't take it!" But then I started thinking about the numb type 2 depression, and I saw that in a weird way - this pain was good. I mean ultimately the only way to beat the numbness is for some radical feeling to get through. And when it does , you can't just shut it out and retreat even further into the shell. You gotta ride with it. Feel it. Suffer.

Sometimes it is preferable to suffer.

Depression type 2

So I've been ruminating about this "feeling" discussion I had yesterday, and can now see that what I said was not all true.
BiPolars are NOT always people who feel too much.

I say this from experience, because I often suffer from a type of depression that is the opposite of feeling too much. It's when you feel nothing at all. A total numbness. Utterly jaded. Lifeless. Like you're just cacooned in this impenetrable shell of apathy.

And I'm not sure which is the worse type depression - the one when you feel nothing or the one when you feel too much. The ones where you feel too much are more of a suicide threat for sure. The desperation can drive you to radical measures. But I'm thinking that the others are pretty terrible too. They seem to last longer, worsen with time, and are more difficult to escape from. And they're less responsive to drug treatment. Hey, maybe the anti-depressents even contribute to the feelings of numbness???

Which do you prefer?
("prefer" being a complete Oxy Moron in this instance)

It's the DOING that counts

It’s never a question of “What do I need to do to make myself better”.

The answers are always there:

Start eating healthy
Run on the beach
Stop smoking
Get a good part-time job

I mean how simple is that? No rocket-science involved here. It’s not like you’re marketing a product and scratching your head about how to best spend your advertising dollars. Or facing a shit-hot sports team and trying to devise a strategy as to how to beat them.

The strategy is there. Simple A to B stuff. Take losing weight. No guess-work necessary – just reduce your intake. Guaranteed results!

The problem for me is DOING the damn stuff. The A to B part is not the problem. For me it’s getting from where I am TO point A. People overlook this. A to B is not the whole story. It’s ZERO to A to B. The first leg is where I fall down.

Like: “Just go for a light jog”. Cool, but how do I get from here, lying horizontal in a depressed stupor to the beginning of the jog? That’s the damn killer.

And as always I come back to the same critical concept: Discipline. It ALWAYS boils down to self-discipline in the end. I’m seeing this so much lately that if a magic genie popped out of one of my pill bottles and I could wish for one personal trait – it would undoubtedly be SELF-DISCIPLINE.

What cannot be achieved with it?
What CAN be achieved without it?

Want to become a disciple of something?
Become a DISCIPLE of discipline.
Me, I’m going to.

***
This last week has been the worst since starting this blog. And I’m not out of it yet. But its sparked some really deep thinking about my life and I cannot help thinking that once I’m through the rough, my life is going to benefit from the couple insights I’ve gained.

The System Sucks

Has anyone actually sat down and worked out how much money an individual will need to live adequately on planet earth from birth to death? Millions! Taxes, food, mortgage, transport, education, kid's education, health... In other words we are born into HUGE debt.

WHY? Are the birds and squirrels and fish born into debt?? Nah. Only the clever species - homo sapiens.

Think we've made huge progress since Feudalism? Bullshit. We're just as tethered to our desks as the serfs were ever tethered to their fields. Just as subject to our CEO's whims as they were to their feudal lord's. At least our great-great-granddaddys got to see the sunshine. Feudalism's just got a new name: Capitalism. (And, NO, just because I can see the F-up of capitalism, doesn't make me a communist)

Did you ever read about the poor souls who used to slave for 11 hours a day in the cotton mills in England? I bet you thought to yourself: "Silly Fckers, why did they put up with it?" Well, I've got news for you - When did you last work 11 hours at your desk? If international statisitcs are anything to go by - probably 3 days ago.

That's what really gets me. Is that everybody just seems to go along with it. We've given in. "This is just how things are." "Make the most of it". And in the background the cotton mills just hum along, drowning out the protest from the odd dissident.

Is this just the rant of a guy whose on the verge of accepting that his latest business venture is a failiure? Or is it a glimpse of the naked emperor?

Likely a bit of both...

More Depressed Philosophers

If you don't see any posts on BiPolar Daily until Monday, it's because BP Guy has gone to Johannesburg (to see Miss L) and didn't find a nearby internet cafe.

Hot on the heals of yesterday's depressing observations about life, here's what another philosopher had to say (just to cheer you up). The philosopher in question is Schopenhauer whose greatest significance for me is that he was one of the few recognised western philosophers who took Buddhism seriously, and secondly that it was his writings that yanked Nietzsche out of his slumber and fired him up on his own flights into philosophy. It's also interesting that he made some comments about "madness" (included below):

If we should bring clearly to a man’s sight the terrible sufferings and miseries to which his life is constantly exposed, he would be seized with horror.

For whence did Dante take the materials of his hell but from our actual world?

The life of every individual, if we survey it as a whole…is really always a tragedy

…to sit there daily, first ten, then twelve, and ultimately fourteen hours, performing the same mechanical labour, is to purchase dearly the satisfaction of drawing breath.

The nature of life throughout presents itself to us as intended and calculated to awaken the conviction that nothing at all is worth our striving, our efforts and struggles; that all good things are vanity, the world in all its ends bankrupt, and life a business which does not cover expenses.

Everything lingers but for a moment, and hastens on to death

Madness comes as a way to avoid the memory of suffering.

The more distinctly a man knows – the more intelligent he is – the more pain he has; the man who is gifted with genius suffers most of all.

Yikes!!! But before you try grabbing that blunt razor blade, a WARNING, for this is what the Schop man had to say about suicide:

Suicide, the willful destruction of the single phenomenal existence, is a vain and foolish act, for the thing-in-itself…remains unaffected.

No way out. I had to drag out my old philosophy set works to glean these quotes, and I've gotta admit, it's fired up my appetite to complete my Masters degree in philosophy. I completed the first year in 2003 and all that seperates me from the extra letter behind my name are two 30 page articles to be published in a recognised academic journal.

So what stopped me? Three things: Firstly, at the end of 2003, I hit one of the worst depressions of my life. (you can read a post I wrote about it here). Having not been officially diagnosed at that point, I was still searching for external answers for my melancholy, and I figured that it was philosophy like Schopenhauer's that was causing the problem.

Secondly, BP Guy's finances were looking in a really crap state and philosophy as sure as hell wasn't gonna fix them. Afternote to myself: Your finances are even bloody worse now, so you should've taken yr chances!

Thirdly, ever since 2003 I have not been able to settle on a topic for my articles. Philosophy is a huge place and I have plenty diverse interests in it. My old Professor's patience is finally starting to wear thin. Every 3 months or so I email him a totally new idea for a topic, "this is it, this is the final one", but they never get further.

But I'm starting to think I can maybe do some research on "The philosophy of concrete poetry". A LOT of things have recently been geling in my mind around that common thread. And they're not limited to poetry man, they're to do with life, meaning and WHY. But best I save any further on that for a future post.

Anyhow, I've been dabbling in some WordArt again and the following piece brings to mind the bit I was saying about the follies of writing blogs for our audiences, which practice inevitably leads to:

Second Guessing

Adios

(7th "In-the-Pink" in a row! Unfcknbelievable! Viva Lamictal.)

The Depressed Philosopher

<= Took this pic this morning when I dropped Mrs M off in the city. Tweaked it into Black and White as I thought it would be more fitting for today's post.

"Philosopher's should be Kings", said Plato, "and Kings should be Philosophers." There aren't many in history that got it right but yesterday I stumbled upon one that did - King of Jerusalem and son of biblical David. He was a successful, powerful and wealthy king, and at the same time (although this is contentious) a very insightful philosopher.

I'm not really a bible delver, but arrived at the book of Ecclesiastes by way of the Interweb, a link here, a link there, and next thing you're miles from where you started (you know how it goes). Nor do I like quoting from religious texts, as I'm only too aware of the fundamentalism inherent in taking text without CONtext.

But here goes (from the book of Ecclessiastes):

Life is Useless.
These are the words of the philosopher, David's son, who was king in Jerusalem. It is useless, useless, said the Philosopher. Life is useless, all useless.

Everything leads to weariness, a weariness too great for words. Our eyes can never see enough to be satisfied; our ears can never hear enough.

You work and you worry your way through life, and what do you have to show for it? As long as you live, everything you do brings nothing but worry and heartache.

I envy those who are dead and gone; they are better off than those who are still alive. But better off than either are those who have never been born, who have never seen the injustice that goes on in this world. [Andy Garcia's "Grateful Dead"?]

We leave this world just as we entered it - with nothing. In spite of all our work there is nothing we can take with us. It isn't right! We go just as we came. We labour, trying to catch the wind, and what do we get? We have to live our lives in darkness and grief, worried, angry and sick.

How can anyone discover what life means? It is too deep for us, too hard to understand.

Enjoy every useless day of it, because that is all you will get for all your trouble. Work hard at whatever you do, because there will be no action, no thought, no knowledge, no wisdom in the world of the dead and that is where you are going.

No matter how long you live, remember that you will be dead much longer. There is nothing at all to look forward to.

Useless, useless, said the Philosopher. It is all useless.

Depressing huh? And yet many of the world's greatest philosophers arrived at this same conclusion. Our King of Jerusalem presaged Existentialism by 2000 years. And I know of at least one Philosophy Professor at the University of Cape Town who well may have said these exact words.

I'd be lying if I said I didn't catch a glimpse of truth in these observations. And right now, as I sign off putting my "In-the-Pink" smiley below, I fear I am totally fooling myself. The only reason I've been happy the last few days is that I've been neglecting my work and somehow shutting out the guilt that usually accompanies that deal.

But as our old Ecclestian philosopher said: "Only someone too stupid to find his way home would wear himself out with work."

A Hidden Message

"The slogan 'PRESS ON' has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race"
- Calvin Coolidge

***

Doing some low flying today. It was all that talk about coincidences on The Icarus Project. Always hypes me up. Better slow down.

Depression is Depressing

It's quite weird when you think about it - what can be more depressing than depression? In fact, when you start looking a bit deeper it seems that it is our expectations that seem to have more impact on our emotions than the emotion itself.

Picture the scene : You are about to give a complicated presentation to a huge and sophisticated audience. Nerve-wracking right? (definitely it would be for me - in fact I absolutely would not find myself in this situation). But what, in all honesty, is the thing that makes you most nervous? The possibility that you will be very nervous and your nervousness will show! So there you have it: Being nervous about being nervous.

And how many times, when you've been very happy in life, haven't you thought to yourself "Shit it's good to be happy!"

So it is with depression. When we are depressed we feel a lot of guilt. Guilt towards loved ones, guilt towards our careers and hobbies, guilt, guilt, guilt. Of course all this guilt hasn't a hope in hell in lifting the depression - it just makes it worse, creating a vicious-circle, snowball effect - more depression -> more guilt-> more depression -> more guilt. You get the picture.

So next time you're depressed try break the cycle. Say to yourself - "well, I'm depressed but it's OK. It's not my fault. It'll blow over. It'll make the next high seem higher. It's just a period of consolidation and regrouping..."

Yeah, yeah, yeah..

Depressed People More Realistic

It's official: Professor Chris French's research proves that depressives are more in touch with reality than non-depressives.
"The truth is that life really is pretty awful" he says. " The depressives have got it right. The people who don't suffer from depression are the ones who have what we call "unrealistic optimism". We give people questionnaires to fill in and ask them what are the chances of certain negative things happening to them - of being run over by a bus or contracting a particular illness. Most people assume that the bad things won't happen to them and the good things will. And the truth is that they are being overly optimistic. The depressives tend to be much more accurate."

Not sure if this is meant to make us depressives more depressed or less depressed (???) but there you have it.