Sunday, October 30, 2005

The Suicide Days

Like I was saying on Friday, November 2003 was a bad, bad time for me.

I don't think I'd actually ever get around to committing suicide. Principally because I'd feel too guilty towards loved ones. But in November 2003 I had completely rationalised suicide in my head. These people that jumped off buildings and took OD's, appearing in the newspapers in a final flash of glory - they were the enlightened ones! We were all been conned -life on earth was WAY over-rated.

The year before, 2002, I'd taken a detour into Buddhism, and knew now with certainty what the Buddhists meant by "All life is suffering". Problem for them: there is no escape. Commit Sewerage Pipe, and you come back even worse off. If it wasn't for this reincarnative twist, every Buddhist would do the honorable thing and escape this wheel of suffering once and for all.

And who the heck wanted eternal life anyway? Eternal life, eternal death - what's the difference? If you really think about it, eternal life SUCKS!

As I said - I tied to pin my woes on my studies of postmodern philosophy, my deteriorating financial situation and my 2 year old relationship. There was nothing left which could not become subject to my doubt.

So then I figured, I'd elope. Leave a note behind saying it was either this or suicide, and buy a ticket to Nepal. Maybe I'd bump into some guru on a misty mountain that could wave the magic wand. Or else I would head up to Port St' John's, a rambling little coastal town on the Wild Coast where I'd spend the rest of my days fishing and smoking weed. Or else I'd sell everything up, buy a van and just kind of drift around the back roads of South Africa. Going Nowhere Slowly..

The problem is that: WHEREVER YOU GO - THERE YOU ARE.

In the end I opted to restart my Prozac I had tried to stop 4 months earlier, only this time I doubled up on my dosage. It kicked in nicely and gave me about 9 months reprieve. Every time I have started (or restarted) Prozac it has done that for me. Given me a major kickstart and a couple months of mild Hypomania, but after about 9 months I start developing immunity. It was a "Dead Cat Bounce". By November last year I had come to the same standstill. Couldn't get out of bed for days at a time. Suicide looking highly rational again. That's when the Lamactil was introduced (on top of the double Prozac and Flunaxol I take daily)

I'd be lying if I said I hadn't had downs since. But they're definitely not of the same intensity. There's a type of net down there now that kind of cushions the fall. I just hope no immunity ever creeps in with this stuff.

Fairly positive today. Put some work in on my business last night and feeling very good about it. I've got a lot of catch-up to pay off this year. Even though things have improved, I've probably lost a combined 5 weeks to depression so far this year and 3 weeks from my Mania in July. But considering that for about 3 years after selling my business I WASN'T working at all in any conventional sense of the word (unless you count the philosophy studies), this year has been excellent progress.


  1. We are a lot a like. Before I was diagnosed I turned to Buddha, convinced this was the way to go. That my mental illness didn't exist it was all the suffering brought on by the influences of the western civilization.

    Glad you are better, though.

  2. you nailed it: wherever you go, there you are.

    ozzy says: i'm just happy to be anywhere.

    i say: whenever i am, there i go! whenever i'm not, there i sit! either way, i'm not making much progress.

    hope to see you contribute to that synchronicity thread at tip.

  3. Before Bipolar hit me I was saying to people " go east "
    When it hit me, I wanted to fall on my sword.

    Around the braai as poeple spoke of the boks, in my mind I was jumping off the cliff, the gun in mouth, the gun to the temple, driving/ walking into the oncoming truck.

    Hell, I became a expert in suicide. So why am I here !

    Because my father blew his brains out when I wanted to meet him. My folks had been divorced. I finally had decided that I wanted to see him and due to suicide there goes Dad.

    I can't do the suicide thing, because I know what I felt after my father hit the road.

    I am here.

  4. Maggs: I still hold a lot of respect for Buddhist wisdom. Only, I've worked out that I'm quite a unique freak who cannot be boxed in, and any spirituality I follow must be unique and not boxed in. Like your blog by the way

    z0tl: You mean there's a thread on Synchronicity? YeeeHaaa!! I'll be there for sure

    Anonymous: Sorry about your Dad man. And kudos to you for Being There

  5. I call myself a Christian Buddhist. That seems to be the closest match.


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