Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Got a Gun??

Got-a-Gun?, Got a bludgeon?, got a pill? got a joint?

Got anything??

My wheels have fallen off. This is THE official worst day of 2005. So much for Lamactil. It had just one tweeny little 24 hour day left of Notorious November to get through, to pass the test. Not a fuck. It collapsed a few metres before the Finish Line. They're carrying it off on a stretcher as we speak.

Just want to knock myself out right now. Wake up in 2006.

It's beyond guilt now. Beyond all comprehension.
Pure, unadulterated suffering. Eternal, like the Buddha said.
You guys think you know what this's like? You haven't a clue.

Stop this damn fucking bus now. I want to get off. These words are bleeding out. Drop by bloody drop.

Comatose.

4 comments:

  1. no one has any idea, bipolars included, you figured that out correctly. even tho w'all like to think "been there, done that" no two depressions are alike, so when you say you are experiencing eternal suffering, altho i too have used those exact w0rds to describe what i've been going through for 1 goddam year (aug 2oo4 - aug 2oo5), i would never pretend to understand what it's like for you to ride the gawdawful bus you talk about.

    and all those w0rds like empathy and sympathy and whatever the fuck w'all use when we really can't find w0rds and don't know what to say to make it better, well, there may be feelings behind using them, but ultimately they remain just w0rds.

    so give yourself time, dood, surf with it and drop the guilt! drop the goddam guilt, coz that'll kill you faster than any depression.

    while it may be impossible to learn how to sit well with suffering & bear it with grace, i think dropping the guilt part is achievable.

    so give it time, man, surf with it, vegetate & don't put pressure on yourself or try to pick yourself up by your bootstraps, for gawd's sake.

    patience, patience, patience, that's really all that buddha taught. so sit your ass down and observe your depression, at first with envy, for it mops the floors with you, it shows you how truly fragile and absolutely not in control you are, but then keep looking at it (in those short moments of lucidity when you don't plot where to get the gun or what's the highest point in town from where you could plummet) for if you look long enough, it'll get self conscious and gradually loosen its mortal grip on you.

    nuff rambling, i board my plane back home in 5 hours. there's no getting off a plane either, so i'll be pondering s'more on how you might be ok jumping out of a bus.

    hang tight!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I told you my brother's name and so you became mine.

    I never knew where this pain came from , but once i said, if you could feel all the pain in the world you would die.

    I feel this but have come back.

    Why ?

    Well maybe to talk to my brother or for him to explain the pain.

    Remember we move in the dimensions that only a few can imagine, let alone can experience.

    It only takes three points to plot your exact position.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I'm there too. Maybe not for the same reasons, but I want off too. I'm so exhausted. I just want it to be over.

    ReplyDelete
  4. If it were your fault then you wouldn't need medication. I agree with z0tl, drop the guilt and deal with the depression. You can't help the way your brain misfunctions.

    Good luck
    :* Princess

    ReplyDelete

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