Self Sabotage

Yesterday was atrocious. I tried the routine thing: meditate, bath, shave, get properly dressed, head down to the garden office. I managed to do exactly 2 hours work.

And then I spent the rest of the day in chronic guilt, morbid depression, most of it in bed listening to music. I mean if I had stopped working and used the day to pursue enjoyable interests instead, it would be understandable. But not this.

Like Dr C said at our last therapy session - I seem to have this subconscious desire to self-destruct. My web business is finally showing great promise. It's even entered profit territory. If I could just focus on it and put 2 solid months of work in, I'd finally be back on the road to financial recovery. But there is this totally irrational obstinacy NOT to.

I mentioned last week that my moods had been good and stable over December. I thought it was thru my own good efforts. Nahh. I can see now that it was solely because I wasn't working.

And after the wonderful break, the period where I could pursue all my real interests, it feels now like I am this huge tanker ship that has to turn around and change direction. Turning a tanker is not easy. There is so much momentum in the one direction that turning 180 degrees is a long, sluggish and painful process.

Am I destined to fck this up? Why can't I control my own behaviour? Who is steering this goddam ship anyway???

Today I have stopped smoking for exactly 3 months. But this crisis I find myself in is giving me the greatest cigarette craving I reckon I've had. Please God, let me at least keep this acheivement.

Do you other Bipolar guys struggle like this with work? Is it even a bipolar issue? Maybe it's a universal thing but I'm just the lazy fcker that has zero discipline.

Something's gotta give. And it doesn't look like it's going to be my obstinacy.