Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Self Sabotage

Yesterday was atrocious. I tried the routine thing: meditate, bath, shave, get properly dressed, head down to the garden office. I managed to do exactly 2 hours work.

And then I spent the rest of the day in chronic guilt, morbid depression, most of it in bed listening to music. I mean if I had stopped working and used the day to pursue enjoyable interests instead, it would be understandable. But not this.

Like Dr C said at our last therapy session - I seem to have this subconscious desire to self-destruct. My web business is finally showing great promise. It's even entered profit territory. If I could just focus on it and put 2 solid months of work in, I'd finally be back on the road to financial recovery. But there is this totally irrational obstinacy NOT to.

I mentioned last week that my moods had been good and stable over December. I thought it was thru my own good efforts. Nahh. I can see now that it was solely because I wasn't working.

And after the wonderful break, the period where I could pursue all my real interests, it feels now like I am this huge tanker ship that has to turn around and change direction. Turning a tanker is not easy. There is so much momentum in the one direction that turning 180 degrees is a long, sluggish and painful process.

Am I destined to fck this up? Why can't I control my own behaviour? Who is steering this goddam ship anyway???

Today I have stopped smoking for exactly 3 months. But this crisis I find myself in is giving me the greatest cigarette craving I reckon I've had. Please God, let me at least keep this acheivement.

Do you other Bipolar guys struggle like this with work? Is it even a bipolar issue? Maybe it's a universal thing but I'm just the lazy fcker that has zero discipline.

Something's gotta give. And it doesn't look like it's going to be my obstinacy.

6 comments:

  1. I know what your going through, it's an invisible insidious creature within. Have had this within me now for five years after a major breakdown and no medications work as we have tried all sorts of cocktails but side effects have been woeful.

    Just finished three weeks of transcranial magnetic stimulation, as opposed to EST, all to no avail.

    What next?? I have to try and bring meaning back into my life. But all I want to do lately is sleep, and tear pieces of flesh off my chest.

    I guess all we can do is fight this demon the best way we can. But this up down emotional ride does get tiring. If it wasn't for my partner I told my doctor today, I'd either live on the streets or have done myself in by now.

    I did a multi medium work in my Taking a Pixel for a Walk blog called The Abyss... That portrays how I feel having this condition.

    I am going to make a link to your site, if okay, as I believe the more people that know about bipolar or depression the better.

    Take care

    I'd like to share a poem I read the other day by Ted Hughes

    Examination at the Womb-Door
    Who owns those scrawny little feet?
    Death.
    Who owns this bristly scorched-looking face?
    Death.
    Who owns these still-working lungs?
    Death.
    Who owns this utility coat of muscles?
    Death.
    Who owns these unspeakable guts?
    Death.
    Who owns these questionable brains?
    Death.
    All this messy blood?
    Death.
    These minimum-efficiency eyes?
    Death.
    This wicked little tongue?
    Death.
    This occasional wakefulness?
    Death.

    Given, stolen, or held pending trial?
    Held.

    Who owns the whole rainy, stony earth?
    Death.
    Who owns all of space?
    Death.

    Who is stronger than hope?
    Death.
    Who is stronger than the will?
    Death.
    Stronger than love?
    Death.
    Stronger than life?
    Death.

    But who is stronger than Death?

    Me, evidently.
    Pass, Crow.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I'm not bipolar, but fear of failure can definitely paralyze me. What helps me is to take lil' baby steps and not think too far ahead or allow my self-doubts to take over.

    What you are experiencing is normal human nature. Hang in there.

    ReplyDelete
  3. i believe it is bipolar. yesterday i was in a mixed state. very difficult.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Hi BPG
    I know exactly how you feel about the work thing.

    Being forced to do a job you enjoy, just to put food on the table, is crap for anyone, even more so when you throw BP in the mix.

    BP by it's very nature takes everything to the extreme, so a job that might be crappy to the normal person (if there is such a thing) is totally utterly mindblowingly shit to us guys.

    Just my 2 cents :)

    ReplyDelete
  5. Sorry, that should have read:

    "Being forced to do a job you don't enjoy"

    ReplyDelete

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