Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Self Sabotage

Yesterday was atrocious. I tried the routine thing: meditate, bath, shave, get properly dressed, head down to the garden office. I managed to do exactly 2 hours work.

And then I spent the rest of the day in chronic guilt, morbid depression, most of it in bed listening to music. I mean if I had stopped working and used the day to pursue enjoyable interests instead, it would be understandable. But not this.

Like Dr C said at our last therapy session - I seem to have this subconscious desire to self-destruct. My web business is finally showing great promise. It's even entered profit territory. If I could just focus on it and put 2 solid months of work in, I'd finally be back on the road to financial recovery. But there is this totally irrational obstinacy NOT to.

I mentioned last week that my moods had been good and stable over December. I thought it was thru my own good efforts. Nahh. I can see now that it was solely because I wasn't working.

And after the wonderful break, the period where I could pursue all my real interests, it feels now like I am this huge tanker ship that has to turn around and change direction. Turning a tanker is not easy. There is so much momentum in the one direction that turning 180 degrees is a long, sluggish and painful process.

Am I destined to fck this up? Why can't I control my own behaviour? Who is steering this goddam ship anyway???

Today I have stopped smoking for exactly 3 months. But this crisis I find myself in is giving me the greatest cigarette craving I reckon I've had. Please God, let me at least keep this acheivement.

Do you other Bipolar guys struggle like this with work? Is it even a bipolar issue? Maybe it's a universal thing but I'm just the lazy fcker that has zero discipline.

Something's gotta give. And it doesn't look like it's going to be my obstinacy.

4 comments:

  1. i believe it is bipolar. yesterday i was in a mixed state. very difficult.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hi BPG
    I know exactly how you feel about the work thing.

    Being forced to do a job you enjoy, just to put food on the table, is crap for anyone, even more so when you throw BP in the mix.

    BP by it's very nature takes everything to the extreme, so a job that might be crappy to the normal person (if there is such a thing) is totally utterly mindblowingly shit to us guys.

    Just my 2 cents :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Sorry, that should have read:

    "Being forced to do a job you don't enjoy"

    ReplyDelete

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