Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Heading where??

"If you do not change direction,
you are likely to land up where you are headed"

Has been one of my favourite sayings for years. And it's never been more appropriate than now. Did a budget yesterday and we're still a couple grand short every month. I'm sorry to continually whinge about my finances in this blog - but unfortunately they're a big part of human life these days. Living on this planet is expensive (anyone know of a good cheaper planet they can recommend?)

So here's the plan: BPG is gonna get a half day position as a part-time accountant/bookkeeper. YUCK!!!! But it's the only field I'm qualified in that offers plenty part-time positions. And it's critical that I only work part-time as I've invested so much time and money in my web business that it would be crazy to drop it. So, in the other half of the day I'll be keeping the web biz going. I'm still convinced that one day it's gonna make it. It better after 3 years goddam work and a couple hundred thousand bucks (Rands not $)!

Finally accepting this inevitability took a huge paradigm shift. In fact, I'm still digesting the news and will only be fully integrated with it after a few days. I did accounting work whilst I was doing my first year Masters degree in philosophy. Man, it is mindless, tedious drivel. But I haveta do it. For Mrs M. For Miss L.

Got a huge craving for a joint yesterday. After doing the budget I kinda knew that I was gonna need a huge reality jolt to snap out of this 5 year dream. And for me, there is no better way than a joint. I react way different to every other smoker of weed I know. A couple of puffs and, GUNK, reality hits me in the face in all of it's paranoid beauty. Sometimes it's the only thing that can penetrate the veils of self-delusion (and blanket of chemicals from my daily med cocktail) that I wrap myself in. It's like: "Wake up BPG!, this is REAL, REAL, REAL."

And the first time I smoke a J it will work wonders. Be a catalyst and energiser for a total change in my life. In fact it will be so good that in a week or 2 I'll smoke another J. That'll be good to. And soon I'll be smoking Js every day again and then it won't be good.

That's the problem for me with weed. It's so damn good, that it's no damn good. Which is why I haven't smoked for nearly 3 years now.


  1. Paradigm shifts can be as hard as dropping emotional baggage... may even be the same thing.

    Good work!

    I know it is hard taking meaningless work just because it is a field you know. I was once a designer/builder and now I sell lumber. I hope you don't find it too soul-wrenching


  2. I have the same problem with Dutch cigarillos.

  3. Its hard to 'give in" for you. I can see that in your writings. But your priorities are right on target - putting the well being of your loved ones first. Half a day isnt so bad if you think of it in a different light. thats 4 hours a day more or less. That leaves you 20 hours a day to be you. So that means that 5/6 of the time is your's to do as you like if you just spend that little 1/6 taking care of not so pleasant business. I'm just trying to put a postive spin on it, not trying to invalidate your feelings about it.


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