Tuesday, March 14, 2006

False Utopia

Right now I'm feeling like shit. I'm really hoping things will change a little later. Yesterday, I put down to "Sick leave", spent most of the day in bed. But I consoled myself that I would make up for it today.

Sometimes I think that in our depressed states we are more realistic. In fact, it has been proved. And in our happier states we are just viewing the world through Prozac tinted specs. A false utopia.

Maybe I haven't been facing reality for over 5 years now, ever since I sold my business. Maybe the reality is that I'm just gonna have to fckn get out there and secure a 9 to 5 dreary, meaningless job that takes over 99% of my life. Give up all the dreams. Recognise them for what they are. And stop financing them with an ever increasing mortgage.

A 9 t0 5 sale of my soul? Even now, I can't face the thought. If it got to that and it wasn't for Miss L and Mrs M, I swear I'd do myself in. There doesn't seem to be any other way out of this hole.

Problem is: it looks like it is definitely gonna end up that way. The 9-to-5 job I mean.

Somebody switch this bad dream off.


  1. Interesting post bpguy. I'm at a low point right now & I have a 9-5 job. This is my 2nd day calling out. Granted, I am sick (with a nasty chest cold possibly the flu) but my depression is making it stick around & adding back pain, neck pain & ankle pain from a sprained ankle over a year ago. I feel like I am falling apart.

    The 9-5 job initially offered structure & I was ecstatic to have that but, when you fall - you fall & that 9-5 job doesn't hold you up.

    God, to buck up & just do what every other animal does as you said in part 2 would be awesome. There are times when you can put on your fake happy face & move on like every other normal person & times when it feel like it's beyond your control.

  2. ((bpg)) It will get better...Just hang on:)

  3. Emotional bundgee jumping has been part of my life for over five years now. I wondered as well, did the breakdown happen due to selling the business, a sucessful art gallery in Canada. No ... life just caught up with me, issues not addressed and hence the crash. No meds help ... bad side effects. Trans magnetic therapy did not work. Stop cutting after I made a deal with myself and partner. That was hard, but I did it. Now what?

    Accepting the condition helps.

    Read a book recently written about Spike Milligans depression and this helped me as well due to similarities.

    We will have good days and bad. We will at times feel useless and time wasters. And on and on... but we must not be too hard on ourselves or presume what may lay ahead. It's one day at a time for me.

    I'm fortunate as my art and music help .. however at any moment I know that an overwhelming sadness can over come me at any given time. When it happens I just ride it out. Then back into the studio when clouds recede. It's not easy, but I can only repeat, that when I truely accepted that this may be the best it gets, anything else pleasant is a bonus.

    I learnt a lot when hospitalised about three months ago, and I can tell you I will never allow this illness to put me there again.

    Hope this will pass soon for you, and a lot of us know what your going through. It does help also when you realise your not alone, people do care. Its tough, shitty and confusing at times.

    Hang in there. Hey you guys won a brillant game of cricket.

  4. Maybe if you just think of it this way- a job is just something we have to do to get money- Our lives are what we do in the time we have when we are not doing our jobs?

  5. bpguy.. i wish there were something i could do from so far away to show you that taking a 9 to 5 wouldn't alter your dreams. all i can do is type.. and i know that won't get the point across in the way i'm intending.

    big hugs from chicago.


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