Insomnia
Tossing and turning since 2h30am. Try sleeping on my side... my back... my tummy. Nothing working. Compulsive foot tapping. Uncontrollable.
4h30 am. Get up. Have some decaff coffee, and a small yoghurt. Still: Wide awake. Make my way through to the study. Log into Blogger. Here I am now.
Insomnia is a bad, bad sign. The full blown manias always start that way, without exception. 3 nights of hard-core insomnia are enough to trigger it. This is only the first real bad night. So I'm still in fairly tame territory. Besides, I slept yesterday afternoon, and can hopefully sleep today. If I can sleep this morning, then this is nothing to worry about. Not right now anyway.
Got to book to see a new therapist. Man, I got lotsa shit to work through. Piles and piles of stinking shit. And, YET AGAIN, my business gets neglected due to personal cirumstances "beyond my control". And the backlog gets bigger and bigger. Until one day it will be insurmountable (as if it isn't already). And what then??? Just lie down in my front garden and put a white flag up. I give up. You win.
AN ILLEGAL FATHERHOOD
When I start getting insomnia, I force myself to sleep. Dr. prescribed an old-fashioned anti-depressant that doesn't work called Doxepin. Makes me drowsy and helps me stay asleep. I use it in combination with benadryl and the various mood stabilizers.
ReplyDeleteSleepless nights are the start of my waterfall thoughts. As soon as I feel it happening, I just count up the hours I am sleeping, I drop a pill that puts me to sleep quicker than I can say "Manic Lullaby"
ReplyDeleteMy Manic spells are always started with insomnia too.
ReplyDeletegood luck
Mage
Doesn't sleeping in the day just exacerbate the problem by turning your days and nights upside down? For me it makes things worse, but we're all different. When I can't sleep, I try a walk in the night. I have a passion for being "alone with the night and the beauty of the night sky." Those walks give me a kind of focus that allows me to sleep. Maybe there is something simiiar for you -- that one thing that brings you total focus?
ReplyDeleteMy last hospitalization for mania some ten years ago I was given these large green pills that looked a bit like the bath oil or vitamin E globules you used to find in health food stores. They knocked me out real good and I slept like a baby.
ReplyDeleteAs for my own difficulties registering my daughter in school, they seem to be sorting themselves out.
Any dad who recognizes his offspring and does his best to support, nourish and care for them is doing all he can and should, in my books anyways.
Insomnia is dangerous for me too. In my last full blown mania I didn't sleep for 6 days. (Yet still had enough energy to go to a PT-job and full-time school...) But even three nights with 4-5 hours of sleep can be a sufficient trigger, so careful BPG, don't let it drag on too long.
ReplyDeletewishing you the best with your daughter's issues as wel as your own, you seem a bit better thought, trip and all. thinking of you wherever i am.
ReplyDeleteThose green globule capsules are chloral hydrate. I took them for many years as well, when I needed help to sleep. Knocked me right out.
ReplyDeleteNow I use another kind of sleeping pill - but only once in a while. Sleeping pills are almost always addictive. Yet, to prevent mania, taking them in a very controlled way can be useful.
Hi new to your blog and I can sympathize with the event of insomnia.
ReplyDeleteMy doc not long ago put me on Seroquel to help me with mine. It's been a battle in it's own right.
There are times when battling this illness that I begin to have personal doubts about my own fitness as a parent, though I don't think that is something that is really that odd. I bet if you asked a majority of people (if they are honest) they would profess self doubts about their own parenting skills. Good luck man. :)