My next book
In 2001 my first book was published (technically it was my second as the very first book published was on Investments, but is so far from where my head is now that I'm not even counting it anymore).
The 2001 book was a big dissapointment. After selling my biz I decided to take a year off and write what I thought would potentially be a best seller. Dreams of living in my little cottage penning a comfortable living abounded. Yeah right! I barely recouped the publishing costs.
Not surprising actually, as I recently re-read the book and to be honest it's crap. Not the subject matter mind you, just the way it is put across. Partly this is the fault of the subject matter. It is just so damn complex, non-linear and philosophical.
I wrote about my first psychotic breakdown and the delusions I experienced for 3 months in a psychiatric ward. Then began the Quest (semi-spiritual, semi-philsophical) about where my life had been and where it was going. And this Quest was continually guided by a long string of profound sychronicities which eventually led me to the East.
At the time I wrote the book (2001) I had not been officially diagnosed, and still believed that some of my experience were a genuine connection with a higher spiritual realm and not entirely to be dismissed as psychosis. But then after my diagnosis, and faced with the bleak reality of financial worries, I trashed that whole thesis. Yes, it was all delusional crap.
But in 2005 I experienced another full-blown mania. I managed to stay out of trouble and more importantly out of hospital. But once agian there was a MAJOR uptick in the coincidence flow in my everyday environment and I couldn't help thinking that there were important meaningful messages in all of the synchronicity. A Quaker woman I know later told me that it was like "the telephone was ringing and ringing but I was not picking it up".
I put that "journey" behind me too. I'm wary of these Delusional diversions, they can completely derail you if you get too caught up in them.
But I keep coming back to those experiences. Unlike on the previous psychotic occassions, I kept a journal at that time, and have reams and reams of my ideas documented. I recently went back to them and read through them.
The incredible thing about the whole "journey" is that it linked up with my previous Quest, exactly where I left off. And the link up was a prefect fit, like it was meant to be, and it extended all of the dicoveries I had documented in my first book. And, believe me, there is some exciting subject matter. Like the most unbelievable evidence that that an ancient prophesy is coming to pass. I keep thinking that if I were just to write another book detailing all of my experiences in 2005, together with "the evidence", readers will vindicate me and say: "yeah, you're DEFINITELY onto something of major importance".
But them I'm alway left with a major question:
WAS IT ALL JUST PSYCHOSIS??
Each time I have been manic I revisit the ideas I had thought I had forgotton. Return to the coincidences that never happened.
ReplyDeleteIt is difficult exercise to examine manic ideas without falling into its gravational pool.
Like the Icarus Project you have mentioned in the past. It is not called Icarus for nothing! Look at him, he "crashed and burned" !
Willbefine said it beautifully.
ReplyDeleteMake haste slowly, my friend.
does it matter if it was all psychosis? will it make the experience or retelling of it any less real?
ReplyDeletePlease tell me you have seen Terry Gilliam's The Fisher King. Delusional psychosis aside it's a darn fine yarn. Have you considered fictionalizing your experiences?
ReplyDeleteIt's all your mind. The value of it is best done when you are running the line.
ReplyDeleteHave faith in yourself. You can make the distinction with a little caution.
I think what you've experienced and documented would still make a great book. But, keep the philosophy low key, only because the reader won't be converted. Everything in your life is colored by your bipolar mind and soul, even your spirituality. People want the images inside your head and the images and emotions that spread out in the world around you. And when it goes spiritual, make it less philosophical and mostly personal. People really want to read about all these matters you post so well. After all, the Dalai Lamma isn't bipolar; you are.
ReplyDeleteHey BPG
ReplyDeleteI read your 1st (2nd?) book and was blown away. Some fascinating stuff. Where can I pre-order a copy of your second one :)
You have just made us all curious now about the ancient prophecy coming to pass. Please share some of this with us?
It may not always be possible to distinguish between purely manic delusions or a true connection to a higher realm, as there is probably not a clear distinction. Maybe mania is a tool of the universe to connect your mind to what it wants/needs it to see.
I would highly recommend that you read Beyond the Brain written by psychiatrist Stanislav Grof. It's a heavy read, but it's really worth.
ReplyDeleteAlso http://spiritualemergency.blogspot.com/ has a lot of related material.
The point is that your experiences are valid, but it is important to keep them contained and work with them in an internalized manner instead of projecting them out into the world.
Good luck.
Anonymous #2 makes me want to read your second book. Is it still in print?
ReplyDeleteDon't sell the impact of your first book short Chris. It gave me sanity in my insane world at the time, I identified with each word, and the clarity was illuminating.
ReplyDeleteYou ventured down a path where I had been waiting in the dark.
My entire family read it.
Write on, word master, thanks.
V.