Saturday, February 16, 2008

Still got issues...

So I had a speed wobble 2 weeks ago. Yes, probably the liver detox contributed - it was pretty hardcore and no doubt flushed all residual meds right out of my system. And likely the med jolt sent me on a little high with the accompanying dose of foot-in-mouth disease. And then, in a radically down state, I suddenly perceived that certain persons had crossed my line in the sand, and I totally flipped. Yeah, us unstable folk do that kind of thing remember... (see here)

But now that those little factors are out the way, let me get to the root of the matter. It's been a blindspot of mine for a long time, partly because I've had to hide it so well.

I first noticed it when I went back thru some of my old blog posts this past week, and saw that the most "critical" comments I have ever garnered have always been in response to my posts on apophenia. WHY?

And then I got to realising that, in fact, I'm different from just about every BiPolar out there - even the BiPolar Type Ones. (who, in my opinion are the only ones whose diagnosis is 100% fool-proof, unlike plenty of Type 2's whose diagnosis in MHO is often dubious).

In fact, depending on how you define these things - i have NEVER actually COMPLETELY recovered from my intial pyschosis attack when I was 19. here it comes folks:

I STILL SUFFER FROM DELUSIONS OF GRANDEUR ( I even changed the byline of this blog so that nobody gets it wrong in future.)

Yep, even after 6 sessions of shock treatment, 3 hospitalisations, and probably half a ton of anti-psychotic drugs - I STILL believe that the things I have experienced in the "psychotic" episodes of my life were powerfully mystical/supernatural/superhuman and maybe even, wait for it... of extreme importance to mankind.

And that I, BeePeeGee, was chosen/selected/clever-enough/gifted-enough to SEE these things.

That belief of mine has NEVER left me. It resides at the very core of my being. Sure, I know not to share this fact with my pDoc, work colleagues, or hardcore scientific types. Come to think of it, I hardly share it with anybody.

And clinging on to these preposterous beliefs is what makes me different to just about every other psychosis or mania survivor I know. (as I already said, it probably also qualifies me as suffering from an underling ongoing permanent form of psychosis). WillBeFine, describing his own manic experiences, put it best some time ago in a comment on a previous post (on apophenia it so happens):

Each time I have been manic I revisit the ideas I had thought I had forgotton. Return to the coincidences that never happened.

"Return to the coincidences that never happened" (aka Apophenia). Yeah, that really is the pivot point at which PDocs, family and society in general can say that you have now "recovered"; that the psychosis has finally subsided. When you can say: "I can see now what a fool I was, all those connections I thought I saw - it was my mind playing tricks on me - Apophenia."

Well I got news for you guys - my coincidences DID happen. And they weren't random, they had profound meaning. And, yes, I'm the one guy in the universe who has been blessed with the ability to see them.

And that's why my ramblings about apophenia and the profound coincidences that have touched my life get people's backs up. Because it is:

Self - agrandizing
Melagomaniacal
Narcicistic to the extreme
Insanely Egocentric
Radically preposterous

aka: Mental Masturbation - getting off on your own perceived importance and power.

Yep, that's me - consider me out of the closet now:
Navel Gazer Numero Uno.

But please remember that I didn't ask you to gaze at my navel with me. If what I say agrieves you, rather go and gaze at somebody else's navel.


39 comments:

  1. If what you believe is benificial to yourself or to others what harm can it cause? It is one thing to have wonderful out of this world insights it is another thing to implement them.

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  2. You still need to take responsibility for the fact that you brought-up the topic of apophenia yourself and ended your post with "I'm all ears" before throwing the tantrum that worried everyone sick who cared about you here.

    I don't care if you think you're Jesus Christ, the Buddha, or George W. Bush - at least have the decency to stop making excuses for yourself. Mental illness is a reason NOT an excuse.

    Am I angry with you? You betcha. Do I care about you? I wouldn't be writing this if I didn't.

    Now delete me as is your wont.

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  3. bpg, for you mensianic idiot, some cliches:

    1. like you, i am GOD, but since i don't require validation from everybody, they no longer care to hospitalize me.

    2. being GOD is bullshit, there are as many of them as the sands of Ganges, it's boring overall, so get over it already.

    3. graduate on understanding your logical/rational mind is only a very small subset of your Mind and so give up trying to UNDERSTAND what you are.

    4. breathing, in this form, is a thing that's happening to you a lot more than thinking. you breathe when you sleep and there's no thinking then. so cultivate your breath.

    5. by figuring out what the fuck is this breath, how does it come in/out of you even when your thinking mind is out to lunch/deep sleeping, you will transcend your stupid thoughts/feelings.

    6. when you can drop thoughts/feelings, not stop them, you idiot, simply ignore them & not let them push you into ACTION, where the fuck is your "fool-proof" diagnosis then, mofo?

    you know what, again and again i am beginning to believe you are stupider than you look.

    & if i determine that's the case, i will go away for years before i bother trying with you again.

    NOW GET THE FUCK OFF LAMICTAL!

    watch for my video on sitting, it's coming march 8th.

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  4. Dude, I cannot argue with anything you said here.

    BP or not, things sometimes happen that cannot be rationally explained. Impossible coincidences especially is the universe/nature/god/God/whoever's way of turning your head in the direction you should be looking.

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  5. And this is your platform, if you want to be GOD here, by all means go for fit. It is your right.

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  6. C.S. Lewis argues that Jesus made many claims to divinity, either explicitly or implicitly. As a result, he said, there are only three possible options:

    1.Jesus was telling falsehoods and knew it, and so he was a liar.

    2. Jesus was telling falsehoods but believed he was telling the truth, and so he was insane.

    3.Jesus was telling the truth, and so he was divine.

    What is BPG?

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  7. I hope you will not be offended, but you remind me so much of the first bipolar I have ever met in my life, my father.

    So imo, you are a perfectly normal BIP. And I don't care how many illusions of grandeur you have, (which I've also had ton-wise in my life), as long as you are aware of this and you aren't a danger to anyone, there is nothing else to do but make peace with yourself.

    Try to enjoy the ride. I know I am.

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  8. I enjoy your blogs and have learned lots (in a good way). My brother-in-law is so similar it is, well, freakishly coincidental. Now, he has never, in 24 years had to deal with psyche clinics or counselling since his parents always whisked him away from whatever emergency ward around the world he ended up in during a manic/psychotic phase. His parents are now deceased and he is on the upswing (first in 2 years since they died)...currently in a psyche ward for assessment since family feels he must accept his condition, complete with counselling, not simply make a private deal to get meds. The 'adjusting' of his meds gets him into trouble...he says he gets lured into wanting to revisit the aspects of mania where he feels omnipotent. My question I would love to have answered: what is the correct treatment form? Is counselling and being part of a 'system' necessary to recovery? This guy is brilliantly crafty at hovering at a place where he is not exactly stable but he knows he is not likely to be kept in hospital. Refuses all counselling as unnecessary for him....has always recovered in the basement of his parents house, waited on hand and foot while everyone tiptoes around. Lifestyle: 'surfs' on friends' couches between teaching stints. Never owned his own place...teaches overseas so expenses are taken care of and housing provided. Thinks that his lifestyle of using everyone else's infrastructure to provide him shelter and food is an indication of his having 'figured it all out'.
    Help...is there a way to contact for info? Just looking for hints at understanding limits of helping.

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  9. Notallthisway18 February, 2008

    Anonymous: Please do not confuse this kind of behavior with bipolar. This is the way his character is wired.

    The only way for him to change this would be to realize what harm this kind of living is doing to himself and others, either alone or with the help of a therapist.

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  10. Notallthisway:
    Thank-you so much for your response. One of my biggest concerns was trying to seperate character from disorder. Now I can try to be less guilty about not liking parts of the character and assuming they were manifestations of being bipolar. So- at the risk of being a pain in the butt, how do you get someone to therapy if they think it is bunk? My brother in law feels it is just all about a chemical imbalance.

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  11. you tell your brother in law he's an etard and when he'll finally realize the thought generates the chemical and not the other way around, it'll be too late for him to recover from the hells he'll put himself through if he supports the senseless drugging of whoever the hell you say is bipolar, i apologize i really don't read comments, just skim through them...

    also, psychotherapy IS BULLSHIT, not because of the concept, but because 98.9% of those doing it are etards like your brother in law who make assumptions of the wrongest kind, then proceed in supporting a system designed NOT TO HEAL, but to coerce into lifelong dependence on murderous drugs that are beyond expensive.

    like you may have heard me say elsewhere: psychopharmacology is the business world's utopia realized: lifetime consumers hooked on a perishable, expensive product.

    the drug cartels are ENVIOUS!

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  12. ON that subject- medication has greatly helped many of us and not all us agree with what was just said. Bi-polar guy you owe us all an apology.Yeah your bi-polar and something tripped you, but you shouldnt have left us thinking you had done yourself in. I VERY recently woke up and found my husband dead on the floor and I am VERY tripped on that (which you would know if you would try reading your friends stuff instead of focusing soley on your own shit) and even tho I seriously fucked up over that I still could manage to check on you be concerned about you. You are fair from a moron and you could at least spare a thought for those who care for you and take just a smidgeon of responsiblity here. ANd yes I am upset. I lost My dear friend Mage. I found my husbands body and then I get the joy of thinking you are gone too? Yeah you owe us an apology.

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  13. IF by some slive of a chance you find some interest in what happens in others life and you decide you do want to read about it you will have to email for an invitation to the blog. I had to close it and open a new one.

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  14. on that subject, i'm tired of that bullshit line "medication has helped many of us, we'd be dead if it weren't for ECT" blah!

    psychotropic medication has patched you, made you into a docile yes(wo)man for the pharmas.

    you are all drugged up idiots playing a tired song of appreciation to those who systematically KILL YOU.

    anyway, good luck to you "leading a normal life" helped by the wonders of psychiatric drugs.

    see if i give a flying fuck you're doing so grandly while your sugar levels are rising, your kidneys and livers are failing & you put on 870128347 lbs while dieting and not eating anything you used to like.

    oh, yeh, all of you are grandly helped... tell it to the mirror!

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  15. LOL @ z0tl

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  16. "The thought generates the chemical." What nonsense. Produce some valid evidence for that and maybe someone will take your Buddhist "tough-love" seriously ZOtl.

    Maybe.

    Compassionate way to respect the informed opinion of a woman who just lost her husband, a good friend and felt compelled by BPGuy's bad behaviour to worry for his life. Now THAT'S my kinda Buddhism. Makes me want to go right out and shave my head.

    Rant on, but I'm done here. I don't come for zOtl's lunacy and BPG's continued silence is eloquent. There are indeed other interesting and less self-serving bipolar navels to gaze at.

    BTW: You may not believe in or admit Type-2s to your elitist BPD club, Chris, but they often wind-up just as dead As Type-1s.

    THE END
    (And lest anybody be confused, I'm not offing-myself, just outta here.)

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  17. What Canada said.

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  18. Give the guy a f**king break!!! I don't blame him if he "ends" his blog after this

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  19. allow me 5.8 sex here to laff out loud at your not cummin' for my lunacy.

    anyhoo, bpg and i go way back when lunatic z0tl generated so much angst at theicarusproject.net that chris banned his ass from there.

    i continued to stalk him. call your lawyer now, he'll appreciate it, i'm sure.

    later on, of course, z0tl got "teh life ban" from TIP, because he dared point out scatter is a goddam snake.

    i am no friggin buddhist, nor tough lover. i just happen to practice rinzai zen meditation.

    i spit on buddhas just the same i spit on you for trying to pull a guilt trip on me with your dead husband at all.

    i am an assholy endarkened sheep and i'm on the grass, not da chronic, da pink floyd type.

    i don't give a fuck how much suffering you've done and you will continue to do.

    i also don't give a fuck how much proof you need to realize psychiatric drugs IN THE LONG RUN are a 100% sure death sentence.

    i live my life well, completely non-medicated, do you think i give a fuck about someone wanting PROOFS of any kind from me?

    i thought you've offed yourself from here, why are you reading this?

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  20. what? was i too harsh? you want a penis measuring contest in who's more entitled to whine about how much suffering i, i, i went through?

    how about my mom died in a car accident when i was 11 and i saw her blood gushing down her face from between her eyes while she was gurgling taking her last breath?

    does that qualify me to tell you that your husband dying has no bearing on your right to brandish that around like you're supposed to have gotten wiser because of it?

    you wanna know more about 18 fucking months i spent suicidal after what i thought was my soulmate for 17 years threw my ass in the street because these wonderful drugs of yours turned me into a zombie who when advocating for his life was considered violent, just because i dared raise my voice, like any cornered, injured animal when surrounded by threatening whitecoats with injectable zyprexa needles?

    what? you're still reading my retardations and lunacies? why?

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  21. Hey now!!!



    Where do I get to vent? Sheesh...

    BPG and z0tl are cool in my book, although I'm just a distant lurker from the interwebs.

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  22. I have bi-polar and can relate to your beliefs. I think anyone who goes through an intense psychosis, or many such experiences, will always feel the impact of those events. Though medicated and episode-free for six years, I still question whether everything I thought was happening was really just my imagination. I know that certain perceptions were not real. But, there are some thoughts or perceptions that I think are in the "grey" area - probably not true but possibly could be. Then there are those which I believe were certainly true (just seems reasonable or so real, also when I was acting strange people probably did react). I think spiritually, it doesn't really matter. I'll never in this lifetime truly know what was real. What's important is probably to look at the themes from what happened and try to live by the better ones. We are our experiences.

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  23. As a very new blogger reader, I certainly didn't realise how involved one gets with blogs and the people that write them. "THE END" got me worried as well, for someone that I don't even know what he looks like and might not even like IRL. And it's not like a "normal" IRL relationship where there are certain rules and boundaries. I've come to realise that there are certain things that you've got to know and accept before you let yourself "into" this world. You run the risk that this person could very well "off himself" and you would never know what colour hair he had. How weird is that? So then it's a choice that I make everytime that I log on to read.

    Canada> If you're reading this: Pity that you're leaving. Do you blog? If so, I would like to read your blog. Isn't there a way that you could let me know where (if you want)? I like the way you write.

    Last Anonymous> Profound what you said. Really struck a chord with me. I'm not as eloquent as the ppl writing here, but exactly what you wrote, bugs the crap out of me and I can't get past it.

    I'll never in this lifetime truly know what was real. What's important is probably to look at the themes from what happened and try to live by the better ones. We are our experiences.

    WOW!

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  24. An Internet flame misery war. It never ceases to amaze me the variety of ways people can try to hurt each other.

    Offence is NEVER given. It can ONLY be taken.

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  25. Reality to me is overrated. I've gotten used to everything feeling so unreal and no longer question too closely - it just stresses me out and that makes it worst.

    As long as I'm not a threat to anyone and I manage to function in a way that nobody notices too much, I will choose to forgo the meds.

    I'm glad this still remains an individual choice. Everyone's different. Whatever works.

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  26. Stop fighting people. Smoke a joint and chill the fuck out. And BPG, post something, even if just a comment.

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  27. Actually, I think everyone should get high. It will solve all the problems in the world.

    And no more crappy meds will be needed, everyone will be happy and high.

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  28. i'm always high and pscyhotic, i also am way beyond ever taking offense (but not yet beyond shoveling shit on everyone), ah well, let everyone rejoice in the bad karma that will finally bury z0tl under a pile of rotten gagh. sorry if i misspelled my klingon.

    don't worry dudes, in the final analysis, all of us willbefine!

    except bpg, he'll be superfine.

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  29. xpychotic? sucksess, we're breaking comments stratospheric highs, how cum no one here gets all up in arms about what happens at http://furiousseasons.com - yanno, with that super nice dude who went off prozac (allegedly) and shot like a half dozen innocent folk, etc.

    the dude was mastering in social w0rk fervirginmaryssakes he was doing volunteer love in prisons with the inmates, etc.

    why oh why would such a puppy go on a shooting rampage? a koan if i've ever seen 1.

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  30. ps: i got the ban there too, no worries, i'm infamous everywhere, you guys are not lonely in hating my gut:z

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  31. jeez, is this a viper's nest or what???

    what gives dudes?

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  32. Hey BPG you rock! regardless of what everyone else says

    G.

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  33. i myself have always fondly thought of myself as more of a mongoose, but then again snake scatter will disagree in his usual pansy punky boyish style...

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  34. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  35. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  36. BPG- please forgive my deleted posts. Consider them the rantings of a wounded animal. However I will not subject myself to Zotl again. Perhaps someday when you feel up to returning to blogworld you can make a new one or something. I am your friend regardless and do not hold you responsible for him. Zotl- It was MY husband that died. Canada was merely asking you to repect my feelings. She was doing this because she has been to my old blog and knows that it JUST happened. You see I found him dead on my living room floor christmas eve. No doubt you dont give a crap as you seem to revel in cruelty and hurting others. So enjoy. Reading your comments shocked and hurt me and put me into tears. You can be very proud of yourself. You succeeded. I was shattered. So much so that I will not return here. You can be very proud - you retraumatized a recent widow. Make yourself a paper medal. The woman took meds and admitted it so you kicked her when she was down. BRAVO- what a man you are. Canada you are welcome at my new blog anytime. Email me at wiccette@msn.com and I will send you the link. I am sorry you took this idiots abuse on my behalf. He was so busy joyfully being an asshole he didnt even know who he was supposed to be abusing. Good bye too all the nonabusive people I have been reading here. I have enjoyed you

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  37. *clap, clap clap!!!* "Encore!!!" Goodbye Raine.

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  38. hi god
    now that i have your attentian, may i please have a pony and, um, icecream in more flavours,
    or *laughs* should i be asking z for the nutty buddy?

    xoxo
    eric

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  39. I'm Bipolar I and also a hardcore scientist (biology/genetics)...I share your vision and believe that the divine is in each of us, but only some of us are gifted to see it. As for coincidences, well I believe in synchronicity...I'm perfectly mentally stable now, and I still see them every day, in fact I ask people to confirm what I'm seeing and then grin at them..and they start to...wonder...
    I put it all down to fractal evolution, and it's not spooky it's what's really real..

    Check out "bipolarorwakingup" on YouTube..you'll be glad you did...

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