Chemical Regime

Back to BiPolar.

The pills above are my daily intake. From left:

• 40 mg Prozac (actually a generic thereof)
• 250 mg Lamictal
• 0.25 mg Fluanxol
• Omega 3 fatty acids (not sure of mg. - if you need to know leave a comment and I'll look it up)
• Omega 6 Fatty acids (ditto)
• High Strength Multi Mineral and Vitamen

This regiment is about to change though, with the complete dissapearance of the anti-psychotic. I'm already down to 1 every 3 days and this week they end. I've been tapering off for 3 months now.

In June my psychiatrist finally gave my anti-psychotic cessation her blessing. This was after a heated argument with her where I pointed out that in the past 15 years I have only spent approx 3 weeks psychotic and the majority of the rest in deep depression (see here). I'd done a little chemistry research on my medications and gathered that all the anti-depressant type stuff seems to promote dopamine, and the anti-psychotics to put a lid on it. So they were working against each other.

I've been on Fluanxol now for 15 years, longer than any other medication. I also read that it has bad long-term side effects. So far the change in my regime has had several noticeable effects:

• I'm not sleeping well. Toss and turn and often wake up throughout the night.
  
• I have a new craving for sunlight. The last 5 years I've had a distinct aversion to direct sunlight. I read somewhere that Fluanxol has photo-sensitivity side effects, so this might explain it.
  
• I'm definitley feeling a little more edgy and anxious in social situations. This, I suppose, is compounded by the fact that I haven't socialised a lot since stopping drinking, and whilst I was certainly never an alcoholic, I drank quite heavily in social situations. (I stopped drinking, by the way, because my depressed state could no longer handle the hangovers)
• As an extension of the above point - I'm really missing a cold beer right now. For the past year i haven't missed alcohol once)
• One of Fluanxol's documented side effects is that it can cause "Pakinsonian type symptoms". This is what prompted my to ditch it in the first place. I thought my chronic hand tremor would stop after taking Fluanxol out of the equation. Well, it hasn't. Which leaves Lamictal (as I've long thought) the prime suspect.
  
• Generally I'm feeling a whole lot more positive and happy. For the past 6 weeks I've been running 4 times a week, weight training and putting in more hours work than before. I'm also getting loads of African sunshine and am now a zealous believer in the healing properties of sunlight.
  
• Yep, I feel like I've turned a big corner. A long-term corner, not one of those little daily "In-the-Pink" thingys.
  

I've got to admit that deep down I'm a little fearful of going out into the big wide world sans anti-psychotics. Feels kind of like having sex with a stranger without a condom. And there is a good reason for this feeling. The last time I took myself off Flaunxol it was only a matter of 4 months before I was screaming down really steep hills on my bicylce, weaving in and out of heavy traffic, with my hands out either side like a flying bird. Put my army helmet on (with a big white "Y" painted on the front), when I went to vote at the national referendum. Stood outside afterwards and screamed at the top of my voice "Good morning South Africa". Phoned into a live tv talk show on religion to say that God had spoken to me personally. (fortunately the tv manager didn't put me through). Drove my car through a patch of fog on the highway and pulled to the side thinking it was smoke from an explosion. Became convinced that the large blister I got on each hand from windsurfing that day on Easter Sunday were the stigmatic wounds on Christ's hands. By the time I phoned Mother Mary (my therapist's name was Mary) at 3am in the morning, it was only a matter of hours before emergency hospitalisation.*

So you can see why a little concern is probably a healthy thing. And I've also realised that there is a HUGE logical hole in my argument that I've only been psychotic 3 weeks in the last 15 years. MAYBE IT'S LIKE THAT PRECISELY BECAUSE I WAS ON THE MEDICATION.


*right now, I'm thinking that I must post more about this experience someday