Monday, September 11, 2006

Hankering after youth

Man, teenagehood was heaven. OK so there were issues between me and my Dad, and me and various other authority figures, but by-and-large those days were bliss. The memories are filled with friends, parties, sunshine, passion, music, beers, cigarettes, weed, girls, excitement and NO WORRIES.

Compare that to now: Hardly any friends or parties, and plenty to worry about every day.

I was fortunate, I suppose, that my parents were financially well off, but that doesn't really help me now. In a way, it actually makes it more difficult, like - play then, pay now.

But the greatest thing about those years was all the boundless possibility that lay ahead. ANYTHING could still be acheived. ANYTHING could still happen.

I didn't have a clue up until 19 that I had any condition, let alone bipolar.

And I was always shit scared about getting old in those days, I just wanted the bliss to last and last. Now I can see why. I reckon getting progressively more depressed from 30 onwards is not just a bipolar problem. It is the natural course of this life. If you can't see that then  you need to  wipe the dirt out of your eyes.


  1. I think exactly opposite. Even tho my illness hit in my 30's I wouldn't go back to childhood or teen years for anything. Even tho I am an unstabilized bi-polar and suffer with it I would not for minute consider going back. Even tho I am 43 and a grandmother now and live on a pittance. NO way NO how. In spite of this illness and all of its manifestations I am calmmer in mind and soul that I ever been. Yes I am poorer. Yes I am more ill. Yes my body is not what it used to be. BUT I do not remeber youth so fondly........I did not have the coping skills I have now or the wisdom I have now to deal with life. I think I have the better deal now.

  2. I really don't get depressed. And the age 30 wasn't a big deal. I'll be 38 in December and I'd have to say I'm a bit befuddled by that: where did the time go. I thought I'd have done so much more with my life (what, specifically, my grandiose-thinking mind won't say, but I feel somewhere I should've been famous, or perhaps infamous). However, I also was positive as a teen that I wouldn't live past 30.

    But I don't look at it like I'm old. And as for the teens: I'm like raine. I prefer much more the person I am now, the environment I have now: yes, I struggle with bipolar, but I feel more loved, and I'm more capable of love than ever as a young person.

  3. I would go back to being 18, before I met my husband. I didn't get to live before I got married. Not that it was a bad thing, but now I'm always wondering what-ifs

  4. I feel exactly the way as you do. I wish I were in high school again, without knowing I had this illness, with all of my friends, and with NO responsibilities. I am 10 months from 30 and watching as new grey hairs sprout everyday. Where did my youth go?!?


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